Les Brown, motivator speaker, has often referred to the phrase: "It's possible!" in his many stimulating presentations. Les' belief is that if you have a dream that you need to follow it because only you can bring out your own unique gifts and talents. Being disabled and gifted is a very bittersweet combination. Sometimes I want so much to pursue my dreams and often I am stopped, at least momentarily, by a challenge I don't know how to handle. It's really not about being unmotivated but rather feeling misunderstood and frustrated.
My ongoing challenge has been to find the missing link to my continued healing. After all of the shifts in nutrition, supplements, homeopathic remedies and alternative services, I find myself with a staggering truth. My brain, the center of all of my impressions and understandings, doesn't feel safe. I am on sensory overload in one form or another all the time. Although this situation is written about in certain research, very few people understand what it's like to be on guard all the time in one form or another.
Recently I met a man who also has traumatic brain injuries and post traumatic stress disorder. He is a practitioner and one whose honesty and integrity intrigues me. I will be meeting with him later this week because he specializes in working with helping the brain and body of his clients feel safe. If safety is felt, then the body can make remarkable shifts towards healing.
I heard my words as I spoke to him on the phone. I talked about my brain enduring so much stress, grief, fear, and anger. When I mentioned compassion, patience, and allowing myself the time I need to heal I felt comforted. Sometimes this world demands us to be something we are not. Frequently we are expected to appear calm when we're terrified; happy when we're depressed and motivated when we're exhausted. We get so used to appearing one way and deeply feeling another that our incongruence begins to take on a life all its own. We lose touch with who we are at our deepest levels.
We are not beings capable of lying to ourselves without consequence. Sooner or later our masks fall off and we come face to face with our deepest emotions. The raw edge of feeling can be completely overwhelming especially if we have never learned to allow our weaknesses, our imperfections and our pain to be expressed and honored.
As I take the next steps in my healing I feel immensely grateful for those in my life who don't run from my intensity, my sensitivity, and my unique blend of gift and challenge. The pain of being dismissed, misunderstood, criticized and belittled leaves deep scars throughout my being yet I am not consumed by them anymore. I do see beyond them and look forward to honoring and learning from the lessons my scars have to teach.
Showing posts with label Dyslexia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dyslexia. Show all posts
Friday, November 6, 2015
Sunday, August 9, 2015
So subtle and yet so powerful
As I sat pondering my current adrenal challenges, I decided to reflect on what issues in my life were recurring. I can look back on my life and realize that my disabilities have confused many situations. Although I was raised in the Northeast where sarcasm is rampant, I was often with people who didn't want or need me to process certain things emotionally. Being bright, I could pass for understanding when often I didn't. Brazen cruelty and maliciousness were so confusing to me. Violence in word and deed just didn't make sense to me. I became judgmental as a child to survive and as I grew older I did my best to change my judgment to discernment. There were insecurities and fears that others had that I just didn't understand. Spirituality to me was a comfort and to me many faiths held meaning for me so a lot of the controversy over who was right was so hostile that it seemed to just go right over my head.
I think that I have often wanted to believe people who were less than honest in their actions because I just didn't quite get why anyone wouldn't be. It took a long time for me to understand that certain people are emotionally unable to be truthful. Obvious dishonesty was something I understood long before subtle dishonesty. Gaslighting is a form of mental manipulation that happens often to bright people who want to believe the best in others. It's a very subtle form of control that can do incredible damage to self esteem.
When I was younger I used to see pictures of people who were labeled abused. At the time I thought, like what many people did, abuse was physical and horrific. Even now I still struggle with the concept of mental/psychological/emotional abuse. Dominance and disrespect can run a huge continuum. Often control is not derived from physically intimidating someone. It's often slowly and underhandedly done, little by little. Rarely have I ever been physically threatened. When I was, I understood quickly why and what it meant. Gaslighting was a whole different thing.
I remember seeing individuals wanting desperately to see the best in someone, even those who continued to belittle, humiliate, and dismiss them on a regular basis. The mental health field can often identify obvious control and then has rather rigid beliefs about who does what to whom and how it should be addressed. I don't tend to agree that situations are that clear cut. Often people, like myself, are in situations where the expectation and the reality are very very different. What people observe is NOT what is actually going on in families, work places, social and spiritual settings. Appearances are often just that. They frequently are set up to mask what is actually occurring.
Many of the traumatic moments in my life were obvious and even if the situation wasn't particularly respected, the magnitude was acknowledged. Gaslighting is different. It occurs behind closed doors. It is progressive and just like a toxic tumor it can overtake all of who you believed you were. Labels are interesting and it's very much a choice in how significant we make the labels in our lives. Whether we are labeled "good, bad, artistic, sloppy, organized, gifted, stupid, slow, bright, ambitious, lazy, correct, wrong, worthy, or impressive" has often absolutely nothing to do with who we are at our core. Assumptions, appearances, much like impressions are easily created and modified.
Gaslighting is about slowly shifting how we see ourselves both inwardly and outwardly. I was once told that I was a poor communicator even though it's pretty clear I've communicated quite successfully most of my life. I doubted myself. Gaslighting does that. It plants doubts, fears, insecurities and concerns about who we are. For me it is the absolute opposite of spiritual faith. Faith builds us up, supports us, reminds us of who we are at our deepest levels. It quiets fears, doubts, and worries. Gaslighting ignites them.
Being labeled as abused is so painfully bittersweet to me. I have experienced abuse but I don't wish to label myself "abused". My experiences make up part of my reality but they don't define it. Part of me feels ashamed that my naivety allowed very painful things to occur in my life. Another side feels blessed that as awful as some of these times were, they gave me perspective and wisdom that I would not have otherwise acquired.
When I was young, I always wanted to learn what I needed to know. Maybe it was my way of wanting to feels safe. I so wanted others to feel what I felt and be honest enough to express it. That rarely occurred as a young child. As an adult, I treasure the people who acknowledge their humanity and their frailties as a human being. These are the people who I tend to trust and respect. Perhaps the main reason that I am so spiritual is because when I look around at all of the confusion in the world, I need something to help me find my truth. For me faith does that. When I connect to the Divine, I find a peace and a knowing that doesn't come to me from anywhere else. I find comfort in different sources but none as complete and as gentle and as genuine as the Divine.
My life has been filled with many experiences that I need to grieve and process, often many times over. Somehow through it all, I found a light. I found a connection that was greater than all the pain and all the confusion. Now it's about picking up the pieces, honoring them, and keeping only what serves me for no one on the outside can define who I truly am.
I think that I have often wanted to believe people who were less than honest in their actions because I just didn't quite get why anyone wouldn't be. It took a long time for me to understand that certain people are emotionally unable to be truthful. Obvious dishonesty was something I understood long before subtle dishonesty. Gaslighting is a form of mental manipulation that happens often to bright people who want to believe the best in others. It's a very subtle form of control that can do incredible damage to self esteem.
When I was younger I used to see pictures of people who were labeled abused. At the time I thought, like what many people did, abuse was physical and horrific. Even now I still struggle with the concept of mental/psychological/emotional abuse. Dominance and disrespect can run a huge continuum. Often control is not derived from physically intimidating someone. It's often slowly and underhandedly done, little by little. Rarely have I ever been physically threatened. When I was, I understood quickly why and what it meant. Gaslighting was a whole different thing.
I remember seeing individuals wanting desperately to see the best in someone, even those who continued to belittle, humiliate, and dismiss them on a regular basis. The mental health field can often identify obvious control and then has rather rigid beliefs about who does what to whom and how it should be addressed. I don't tend to agree that situations are that clear cut. Often people, like myself, are in situations where the expectation and the reality are very very different. What people observe is NOT what is actually going on in families, work places, social and spiritual settings. Appearances are often just that. They frequently are set up to mask what is actually occurring.
Many of the traumatic moments in my life were obvious and even if the situation wasn't particularly respected, the magnitude was acknowledged. Gaslighting is different. It occurs behind closed doors. It is progressive and just like a toxic tumor it can overtake all of who you believed you were. Labels are interesting and it's very much a choice in how significant we make the labels in our lives. Whether we are labeled "good, bad, artistic, sloppy, organized, gifted, stupid, slow, bright, ambitious, lazy, correct, wrong, worthy, or impressive" has often absolutely nothing to do with who we are at our core. Assumptions, appearances, much like impressions are easily created and modified.
Gaslighting is about slowly shifting how we see ourselves both inwardly and outwardly. I was once told that I was a poor communicator even though it's pretty clear I've communicated quite successfully most of my life. I doubted myself. Gaslighting does that. It plants doubts, fears, insecurities and concerns about who we are. For me it is the absolute opposite of spiritual faith. Faith builds us up, supports us, reminds us of who we are at our deepest levels. It quiets fears, doubts, and worries. Gaslighting ignites them.
Being labeled as abused is so painfully bittersweet to me. I have experienced abuse but I don't wish to label myself "abused". My experiences make up part of my reality but they don't define it. Part of me feels ashamed that my naivety allowed very painful things to occur in my life. Another side feels blessed that as awful as some of these times were, they gave me perspective and wisdom that I would not have otherwise acquired.
When I was young, I always wanted to learn what I needed to know. Maybe it was my way of wanting to feels safe. I so wanted others to feel what I felt and be honest enough to express it. That rarely occurred as a young child. As an adult, I treasure the people who acknowledge their humanity and their frailties as a human being. These are the people who I tend to trust and respect. Perhaps the main reason that I am so spiritual is because when I look around at all of the confusion in the world, I need something to help me find my truth. For me faith does that. When I connect to the Divine, I find a peace and a knowing that doesn't come to me from anywhere else. I find comfort in different sources but none as complete and as gentle and as genuine as the Divine.
My life has been filled with many experiences that I need to grieve and process, often many times over. Somehow through it all, I found a light. I found a connection that was greater than all the pain and all the confusion. Now it's about picking up the pieces, honoring them, and keeping only what serves me for no one on the outside can define who I truly am.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Can you hear along with listen?
My husband has often said: "You're not like other people." In some ways that's true, in others it's not. One of his examples of this observation is that I really do my best to say what I mean and mean what I say. This is not just a recovery phrase for me. A little over three years ago, interestingly over Valentine's day I found myself in the emergency room of a heart hospital. I went there because I felt a heaviness in my chest. I was at the time overweight, stressed, still battling some asthma, and in my late 40's so I could see the reason for the staff's concern. They told me I was going to be kept overnight for observation because I came to the hospital in the late afternoon.
One of the first things I was given was aspirin and then a nitro glycerin patch. The first dose of over the counter pain pills was the first and last dose I was to receive. The headache, frequently associated with nitro glycerin, was dull and constant. The aspirin barely took the edge off of it. I was told the headache was due to the blood vessels dilating and the circulation significantly increasing. Although the stress test that followed the next morning showed my heart to be very healthy, there was another important event that occurred. In the twelve or so hours I was in the hospital, I lost over ten pounds of water weight. My swelling was noticeably decreased! As I brought this to the staff's attention, not a one of them could explain why it had happened. I mentioned it to my naturopath at the time, other doctors, nutritionists and none could explain it. Then I came across articles on nitric oxide. This led to finding out information on three American Nobel prize winners who were able to explain the action of nitro glycerin. Nitric oxide is a gas which majorly affects blood flow throughout the body. Cardiovascular health can be improved and stabilized with foods and supplements that support nitric oxide.
If nitric oxide levels decline due to stress, aging, or in my case a severe black mold exposure, then oxidative stress and free radicals can create inflammation and then edema. I had radically changed my diet, worked on emotional issues, and still questioned why my edema remained. The black mold, which I was around close to ten years, began the pattern of significant decline in my health. I began my life with circulatory, neurological, and emotional challenges. The mold magnified them and also reduced my nitric oxide levels. My aging and stress levels made things worse.
After over a week of craving red beet roots, I began to look into what nutritional properties beets had. They are one of the top foods for supporting nitric oxide levels according to Julian Whitaker, MD. I had juiced a small amount of them or ate some cooked beets. These made me feel a bit better but not great. I did notice that my vertigo had reduced since consuming them. As I read Dr. Whitaker's take on beets, I decided to try juicing more of them. Yesterday I consumed almost a full cup of beet juice. This morning I was up after 7 rather than my usual 10 hours of sleep. I improved on my vision therapy exercise and was very clear headed which is darn near impossible for me to achieve some days!
What the nitro glycerin gave me in the hospital is what my body longed to have. The other foods that minimally increased my nitric oxide levels were helpful but not enough. I was so confused as to why my practitioners dismissed my experience in the hospital. They all seemed so certain that my experience was meaningless and that I must fit into a category that THEY understood! I certainly am not one to fit into someone else's box! I searched and searched for someone other than my husband to listen. The research I found clearly stated the power of circulation and nitric oxide specifically. In the years I have looked for someone to listen, I found research that showed what I suspected.
It's a real challenge to walk away from the belief that others know what to do better than you do yourself. So many of us have been confused and told not to believe that our impressions, understandings and gut feelings are less than accurate. I KNEW deep within me that the nitro glycerin was showing me a huge piece of the puzzle and I waited for others to understand. Although I understand that all things come in time, I feel angry that my impressions were not heard.
As I move further into healing, with a naturopath who does her best to listen and hear I look forward to greater and greater health. Sometimes in life, we just need to stick true to what we know deep in our hearts and minds is right. The knowing and the honoring of what is our truth is a gift beyond measure.
One of the first things I was given was aspirin and then a nitro glycerin patch. The first dose of over the counter pain pills was the first and last dose I was to receive. The headache, frequently associated with nitro glycerin, was dull and constant. The aspirin barely took the edge off of it. I was told the headache was due to the blood vessels dilating and the circulation significantly increasing. Although the stress test that followed the next morning showed my heart to be very healthy, there was another important event that occurred. In the twelve or so hours I was in the hospital, I lost over ten pounds of water weight. My swelling was noticeably decreased! As I brought this to the staff's attention, not a one of them could explain why it had happened. I mentioned it to my naturopath at the time, other doctors, nutritionists and none could explain it. Then I came across articles on nitric oxide. This led to finding out information on three American Nobel prize winners who were able to explain the action of nitro glycerin. Nitric oxide is a gas which majorly affects blood flow throughout the body. Cardiovascular health can be improved and stabilized with foods and supplements that support nitric oxide.
If nitric oxide levels decline due to stress, aging, or in my case a severe black mold exposure, then oxidative stress and free radicals can create inflammation and then edema. I had radically changed my diet, worked on emotional issues, and still questioned why my edema remained. The black mold, which I was around close to ten years, began the pattern of significant decline in my health. I began my life with circulatory, neurological, and emotional challenges. The mold magnified them and also reduced my nitric oxide levels. My aging and stress levels made things worse.
After over a week of craving red beet roots, I began to look into what nutritional properties beets had. They are one of the top foods for supporting nitric oxide levels according to Julian Whitaker, MD. I had juiced a small amount of them or ate some cooked beets. These made me feel a bit better but not great. I did notice that my vertigo had reduced since consuming them. As I read Dr. Whitaker's take on beets, I decided to try juicing more of them. Yesterday I consumed almost a full cup of beet juice. This morning I was up after 7 rather than my usual 10 hours of sleep. I improved on my vision therapy exercise and was very clear headed which is darn near impossible for me to achieve some days!
What the nitro glycerin gave me in the hospital is what my body longed to have. The other foods that minimally increased my nitric oxide levels were helpful but not enough. I was so confused as to why my practitioners dismissed my experience in the hospital. They all seemed so certain that my experience was meaningless and that I must fit into a category that THEY understood! I certainly am not one to fit into someone else's box! I searched and searched for someone other than my husband to listen. The research I found clearly stated the power of circulation and nitric oxide specifically. In the years I have looked for someone to listen, I found research that showed what I suspected.
It's a real challenge to walk away from the belief that others know what to do better than you do yourself. So many of us have been confused and told not to believe that our impressions, understandings and gut feelings are less than accurate. I KNEW deep within me that the nitro glycerin was showing me a huge piece of the puzzle and I waited for others to understand. Although I understand that all things come in time, I feel angry that my impressions were not heard.
As I move further into healing, with a naturopath who does her best to listen and hear I look forward to greater and greater health. Sometimes in life, we just need to stick true to what we know deep in our hearts and minds is right. The knowing and the honoring of what is our truth is a gift beyond measure.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
"To call you ultra sensitive is an understatement"
These were the words given to me yesterday. I had have always been called sensitive but to be told this by a remarkably sensitive holistic practitioner is a bit different. To many of the practitioners I've seen, I have been quickly misread. I am not a petite woman. I am 5' 5" and my bone size is large. My hour glass shape shows that I am not frail, weak, or delicate. My weight, which I wear quite well, has always been used to ground me to a certain extent. The practitioners who have not understood me have been those who assumed that because I am not a small woman, I am very insensitive on all levels and don't feel things deeply. Those people are missing who I truly am. It is my strong opinion that body size has nothing to do with the depth of sensitivity within someone.
I had a friend who told me many years ago that regardless of how small and thin she was, she felt fat. When she lost weight, she felt more comfortable and was able to reach her goals for health. Her view of herself and my view of myself were quite different. I am obtaining vibrant health which for me is strength, flexibility, and endurance on all levels. My sensitivities on the vestibular, visual, emotional, spiritual, and physical levels have led me to some harsh conclusions. Regardless of how many people claim that they can tolerate amusement parks, malls, loud music, processed food, little sleep, and lots of stimulants, I can't. My system needs lots of quiet, purposeful reflection, healthy lighting and food, gentle colors, and a very supportive environment. There is a certain feeling of grief or guilt about not being able to take what the world has to give, yet I know that busyness is not good for me or who I am.
I find a lot exhausting which is not because I am weak but rather because I am sensitive. The off gassing of furniture, be it at a store or a gym, is enough to kick my system into shut down. The intensity of a group of people be it at the movies, restaurants, stores, or even while doing hobbies, can be totally overwhelming to me. It has been a long time since I was able to have enough of the support I need to cope with the constant busyness of the world. As I continue to explore what brings me peace and what disturbs me, I am finding that I am not alone. Many of us just can't take the constant barrage of light, sound, movement, and expectations that today's modern pace demands. This would certainly explain a lot of our health issues, exhaustion, and erratic sleep patterns.
Certainly my practitioner's words about my sensitivity does put me into a class that is not shared by many, yet I am not without my peers. Many of us deeply enjoy and need a break from the intensity of the world. I appreciate technology and understand that the world is changing rapidly as I write these words. It's clear to me that the world is not meant to cater to my needs. If I am to heal fully, I need to be the one to set limits and boundaries on what I do and where I go. It's also my responsibility to understand to what degree I choose to push myself and then how much time I need to recover.
Being intuitive has its pros and cons. Once an awareness becomes our own, we then accept the responsibility for implementing it in our lives. Sometimes my sensitivities are a real drain to me and other times they give me perception and wisdom that I could never achieve without them. For me, it's not about denying who I am. It's about understanding and honoring who I am in the healthiest, most empowering means possible.
I had a friend who told me many years ago that regardless of how small and thin she was, she felt fat. When she lost weight, she felt more comfortable and was able to reach her goals for health. Her view of herself and my view of myself were quite different. I am obtaining vibrant health which for me is strength, flexibility, and endurance on all levels. My sensitivities on the vestibular, visual, emotional, spiritual, and physical levels have led me to some harsh conclusions. Regardless of how many people claim that they can tolerate amusement parks, malls, loud music, processed food, little sleep, and lots of stimulants, I can't. My system needs lots of quiet, purposeful reflection, healthy lighting and food, gentle colors, and a very supportive environment. There is a certain feeling of grief or guilt about not being able to take what the world has to give, yet I know that busyness is not good for me or who I am.
I find a lot exhausting which is not because I am weak but rather because I am sensitive. The off gassing of furniture, be it at a store or a gym, is enough to kick my system into shut down. The intensity of a group of people be it at the movies, restaurants, stores, or even while doing hobbies, can be totally overwhelming to me. It has been a long time since I was able to have enough of the support I need to cope with the constant busyness of the world. As I continue to explore what brings me peace and what disturbs me, I am finding that I am not alone. Many of us just can't take the constant barrage of light, sound, movement, and expectations that today's modern pace demands. This would certainly explain a lot of our health issues, exhaustion, and erratic sleep patterns.
Certainly my practitioner's words about my sensitivity does put me into a class that is not shared by many, yet I am not without my peers. Many of us deeply enjoy and need a break from the intensity of the world. I appreciate technology and understand that the world is changing rapidly as I write these words. It's clear to me that the world is not meant to cater to my needs. If I am to heal fully, I need to be the one to set limits and boundaries on what I do and where I go. It's also my responsibility to understand to what degree I choose to push myself and then how much time I need to recover.
Being intuitive has its pros and cons. Once an awareness becomes our own, we then accept the responsibility for implementing it in our lives. Sometimes my sensitivities are a real drain to me and other times they give me perception and wisdom that I could never achieve without them. For me, it's not about denying who I am. It's about understanding and honoring who I am in the healthiest, most empowering means possible.
What we had and what we thought we had
When I first learned the meaning of the word grief, I thought it meant the feeling you get when something you loved went away. It was a long time before I realized that we can grieve what we had and lost as well as what we were never able to have. I can apply this concept to lots of things. People who developed disabilities later in life have lots of grief and part of it can be about who they used to be and what they used to have. In my case, I've grown up not having certain abilities and didn't realize until much later in life what I "should" or could have had. I have always been very intuitive and I used to think most people functioned as I did when they made decisions and decided how they felt about someone or something. Having discernment strictly based on logic is very foreign to me.
Because I was born to parents who were substantially older than many parents, I arrived into a family that caused me to be between the generations. My closest cousins were close to 20 years my senior and even my siblings, who were from a previous marriage, were close to that age difference as well. One of my paternal aunts, with whom I was very close, died when I was in my late 20's. My grandmother and my first best friend died before I was in fourth grade. As my uncles, cousins, other aunts, classmates, and friends have died, I have shifted in the way I relate to life. I do my best to cherish moments because I know in a very deep way that nothing is promised and life, in this form anyway, is limited. I miss a lot of biological family who have died. Friends and acquaintances, many from another time and place, I miss and yet know our parting was meant to be.
The animals I have loved so dearly who have left my care have also changed me. Some have died due to old age, illness, by assistance of a veterinarian, or gone on to another home through adoption or foster care. When I think of the animals that have touched my life, I think of my father's bassets and my mother and her beautiful collies. The lovely gray and white tabby cats, wonderful potbelly pigs, regal Old English Sheepdogs and many more who have influenced my life in powerful ways have helped to mold who I have become.
Suffering upsets me quite a bit. It disturbs me far more to see suffering than to see death. I'm not afraid to die. I would miss those I love at this point in my life but I truly don't think it would devastate me. I honor the life and death cycle. I deeply believe that we are meant to live only as long as we are given, whatever time period that is. I've known people and animals who've died early in life and then those who have had long, vibrant lives. I don't feel cheated by their transitions. I don't feel like they have left me. I am grateful for their time in my life.
The deaths that have disturbed me the most are of those whose suffering has been long or those who have died suddenly by their own hand. I still struggle to understand suffering and its purpose in life. For now, I choose to honor the path that is unfolding in my life which ultimately I believe will have a balance of all things good and bad.
Because I was born to parents who were substantially older than many parents, I arrived into a family that caused me to be between the generations. My closest cousins were close to 20 years my senior and even my siblings, who were from a previous marriage, were close to that age difference as well. One of my paternal aunts, with whom I was very close, died when I was in my late 20's. My grandmother and my first best friend died before I was in fourth grade. As my uncles, cousins, other aunts, classmates, and friends have died, I have shifted in the way I relate to life. I do my best to cherish moments because I know in a very deep way that nothing is promised and life, in this form anyway, is limited. I miss a lot of biological family who have died. Friends and acquaintances, many from another time and place, I miss and yet know our parting was meant to be.
The animals I have loved so dearly who have left my care have also changed me. Some have died due to old age, illness, by assistance of a veterinarian, or gone on to another home through adoption or foster care. When I think of the animals that have touched my life, I think of my father's bassets and my mother and her beautiful collies. The lovely gray and white tabby cats, wonderful potbelly pigs, regal Old English Sheepdogs and many more who have influenced my life in powerful ways have helped to mold who I have become.
Suffering upsets me quite a bit. It disturbs me far more to see suffering than to see death. I'm not afraid to die. I would miss those I love at this point in my life but I truly don't think it would devastate me. I honor the life and death cycle. I deeply believe that we are meant to live only as long as we are given, whatever time period that is. I've known people and animals who've died early in life and then those who have had long, vibrant lives. I don't feel cheated by their transitions. I don't feel like they have left me. I am grateful for their time in my life.
The deaths that have disturbed me the most are of those whose suffering has been long or those who have died suddenly by their own hand. I still struggle to understand suffering and its purpose in life. For now, I choose to honor the path that is unfolding in my life which ultimately I believe will have a balance of all things good and bad.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Facing fear
In the late Fall of last year I went for a series of acupuncture treatments. I was not new to this modality. Acupuncture helped me to handle sciatica along with many other issues throughout the years. This time was different. One of the acupuncturists suggested that they do scalp points to help with my neurological issues. This was a very bittersweet suggestion. Although the needles did help me to have broader peripheral vision and clearer focus, another pathway was unleashed. The panic from very early in my life was also opened, much like Pandora's box. Driving which I had done for over 3 decades suddenly became absolutely terrifying. I wasn't afraid of another car hitting me or some other vehicular issue. I just couldn't integrate all that I was now seeing. Another issue had occurred as well. My midline, or one's perception of the middle of one's own body, was changed. I just couldn't quite "find" midline.
To suddenly have panic when there was none at all is particularly disturbing. I just couldn't "make" myself suck up the fear. In the past when there was lots of traffic or a setting where there were many distractions, I could block most of the issues so I could still function. This time I was forced to face a side of myself I never knew was there. Because my traumatic brain injury affected my parietal lobes which affected spatial reasoning, it's actually pretty remarkable that I learned to drive at all much less feel comfortable doing it. Although the SPECT scan showed restricted blood flow in my brain, I had learned to cope with the issue. The acupuncture expanded my abilities and in doing so opened up absolute panic in processing certain things. Interestingly during my evaluation for vision therapy, it was determined that my midline was "off" yet many of my mechanical visual skills were in tact. It would seem to me that my terror from so many years ago has affected so much in my life to include the way I literally "see" the world. Vision therapy has given me several skills and tools to expand and integrate my visual processing. Physical therapy gave me something else.
I had seen a previous physical therapist who identified that I have a processing delay more significantly on my right side yet she totally missed how my neurological functioning was affected by fear. In so many ways, I appear "normal". I've had enough Feldenkrais, yoga, one on one exercise training, and spiritual guidance to "appear" much higher functioning in some ways than I actually am. Because my processing struggles tend to be outside of the verbal skill set, very few people notice my issues in most settings. It isn't until I'm asked to spatially interact with the world that the disabilities become clear. This combination of gifted and challenged is more common than most of us like to believe. We all want to fit in and for those of us who struggle in certain areas, we often have difficulty accepting help for something we've tried to hide most of our lives.
Yesterday when my husband and I went out together, I wanted to try driving. My current physical therapist, Emily, taught me how to reset my midline. Once I understood that, I was able to find my center and drive with little to no fear. I knew I had the ability to drive. I just needed to neurologically and emotionally remember how it all worked again. My husband who believes in me when often I question my abilities was right there "knowing" deep down that I had the ability in me all the time. Emily is a very gifted person. She is remarkably observant, kind, firm, and genuine. Because she took the time and the intention to "see" me for who I truly am she saw my challenges. Numerous times she's mentioned how subtle my struggles are and has acknowledged how much I work to improve my skills. It's not Emily's praise that touches me so deeply, it's her courage. Somewhere deep inside of this young woman's heart is a warrior. She works with people every day who have been wounded one way or another. Her desire to empower people to take back their independence is impressive. I'm sure not everyone appreciates her as I do. Wayne Dyer once said: "Some people will recognize us immediately, some will never see us." Emily "sees" deeper and more bravely than most. When I think of the people who have had the greatest impact on my life, I think of those who have chosen to "see" me for who I am. They are the ones whose own fear has not blocked their ability to see mine.
In the years I worked in the mental health field, I "saw" the effects of events that forever changed people's lives. In many cases I truly wondered how people were able to go on and for that matter even want to continue living. The courage I saw in these people was often hidden for a long time. They were not the obvious heroes we hear about. They were struggling, fearful, often lonely souls determined to make things different. As I reflect back on them, I see a huge mirror into myself. This round of acupuncture, despite my discontent for quite awhile, showed me how much courage I do have. It allowed me to see the faith I carry in my heart. As disturbing, unsettling, and downright terrifying as this experience has been, it showed me who I am at a very deep level. I am, some would say, damaged. There are parts of my functioning that just don't work right, or do they? Would I have been truly able to see the grace of God, the warrior within myself, and the love and support of others if I had not experienced struggle? The Divine is truly incredible. Because of my spiritual challenges, I have been allowed to see my spiritual strengths and for this I am forever grateful and changed.
To suddenly have panic when there was none at all is particularly disturbing. I just couldn't "make" myself suck up the fear. In the past when there was lots of traffic or a setting where there were many distractions, I could block most of the issues so I could still function. This time I was forced to face a side of myself I never knew was there. Because my traumatic brain injury affected my parietal lobes which affected spatial reasoning, it's actually pretty remarkable that I learned to drive at all much less feel comfortable doing it. Although the SPECT scan showed restricted blood flow in my brain, I had learned to cope with the issue. The acupuncture expanded my abilities and in doing so opened up absolute panic in processing certain things. Interestingly during my evaluation for vision therapy, it was determined that my midline was "off" yet many of my mechanical visual skills were in tact. It would seem to me that my terror from so many years ago has affected so much in my life to include the way I literally "see" the world. Vision therapy has given me several skills and tools to expand and integrate my visual processing. Physical therapy gave me something else.
I had seen a previous physical therapist who identified that I have a processing delay more significantly on my right side yet she totally missed how my neurological functioning was affected by fear. In so many ways, I appear "normal". I've had enough Feldenkrais, yoga, one on one exercise training, and spiritual guidance to "appear" much higher functioning in some ways than I actually am. Because my processing struggles tend to be outside of the verbal skill set, very few people notice my issues in most settings. It isn't until I'm asked to spatially interact with the world that the disabilities become clear. This combination of gifted and challenged is more common than most of us like to believe. We all want to fit in and for those of us who struggle in certain areas, we often have difficulty accepting help for something we've tried to hide most of our lives.
Yesterday when my husband and I went out together, I wanted to try driving. My current physical therapist, Emily, taught me how to reset my midline. Once I understood that, I was able to find my center and drive with little to no fear. I knew I had the ability to drive. I just needed to neurologically and emotionally remember how it all worked again. My husband who believes in me when often I question my abilities was right there "knowing" deep down that I had the ability in me all the time. Emily is a very gifted person. She is remarkably observant, kind, firm, and genuine. Because she took the time and the intention to "see" me for who I truly am she saw my challenges. Numerous times she's mentioned how subtle my struggles are and has acknowledged how much I work to improve my skills. It's not Emily's praise that touches me so deeply, it's her courage. Somewhere deep inside of this young woman's heart is a warrior. She works with people every day who have been wounded one way or another. Her desire to empower people to take back their independence is impressive. I'm sure not everyone appreciates her as I do. Wayne Dyer once said: "Some people will recognize us immediately, some will never see us." Emily "sees" deeper and more bravely than most. When I think of the people who have had the greatest impact on my life, I think of those who have chosen to "see" me for who I am. They are the ones whose own fear has not blocked their ability to see mine.
In the years I worked in the mental health field, I "saw" the effects of events that forever changed people's lives. In many cases I truly wondered how people were able to go on and for that matter even want to continue living. The courage I saw in these people was often hidden for a long time. They were not the obvious heroes we hear about. They were struggling, fearful, often lonely souls determined to make things different. As I reflect back on them, I see a huge mirror into myself. This round of acupuncture, despite my discontent for quite awhile, showed me how much courage I do have. It allowed me to see the faith I carry in my heart. As disturbing, unsettling, and downright terrifying as this experience has been, it showed me who I am at a very deep level. I am, some would say, damaged. There are parts of my functioning that just don't work right, or do they? Would I have been truly able to see the grace of God, the warrior within myself, and the love and support of others if I had not experienced struggle? The Divine is truly incredible. Because of my spiritual challenges, I have been allowed to see my spiritual strengths and for this I am forever grateful and changed.
Friday, February 13, 2015
The challenge is given
I am a fan of Wayne Dyer for many things and one of them is his humility. I have read these words before but today when I saw them, it felt different. The words were: "Relinquish the need to be right". It brought up lots of feelings for me. For many years I felt like when I spoke, people often didn't understand what I was trying to say. It has taken a lot of time and healing to realize that just because others can't relate to what I'm sharing doesn't mean it's not important. My frustration to be heard and understood is probably due to lots of things, not least of which are my platypus ways.
I had a friend who once told me that she believed that she could be right in a disagreement and that the other person didn't have to be wrong. Somewhere in my own chaos, I found that unsettling. I understood agreeing to disagree but I truly believed ultimately there was a right and a wrong to all topics. I've struggled to understand that we all see things from where our development has brought us. We all function at different levels in different ways and yet somehow I still believed all things boiled down to right and wrong.
I have never fit easily into a description of political party or social beliefs. I work at being very open minded to many different viewpoints even those I struggle with because they are so deeply rooted in fear. I have certainly disagreed with others desire to position me neatly into a box, yet Wayne's wording was still less than comforting. I didn't want to be judged yet I felt like if I didn't see things in a somewhat black and white manner, I would be lost. For the most part, I've made my peace between discernment and judgment. I deeply believe that only the Divine can offer judgment and that the type of judgement that occurs on that level is far beyond the understanding of most of us on earth. Discernment, I've come to understand, is deciding what fits best for me and is very subject to change.
I sat with why relinquishing the need to be right touched me so deeply. Was it about logic? Was it about worthiness or was it about something much deeper? After some reflection, I think I recognize what it is for me at this point in my life. Somewhere within me I believed that if I was right, I was justified and somehow safe. If I could show my point, and others could see it then some of the criticism and judgment would end. Part of this was family based, as I said I come from a family of debaters. I think a large part of this belief came from school and work settings. If you were bright and bold and had reason to back up your words, then you were considered someone to respect. It's probably why very quiet people confused me. I often knew that they were bright from conversations we had one on one but somehow they were not "seen" as bright. Emotion, passion and boldness pushed back the judgement others wanted to inflict upon me. Being right, which ultimately is impossible, was a belief that I used to justify my existence. If I could express myself and have others hear me, then I was considered worthy.
Interesting that in the time I've been taking to heal, where I infrequently see people, I feel far more empowered than I ever did in any debate. This blog shows I still need to express myself but perhaps it's far more for me to find and use my voice than it is for anyone to approve. Funny how these insights work. I still have my opinions and beliefs and certainly discern what's best for myself but if no one else "gets" it I may feel lonely, but not unworthy.
I had a friend who once told me that she believed that she could be right in a disagreement and that the other person didn't have to be wrong. Somewhere in my own chaos, I found that unsettling. I understood agreeing to disagree but I truly believed ultimately there was a right and a wrong to all topics. I've struggled to understand that we all see things from where our development has brought us. We all function at different levels in different ways and yet somehow I still believed all things boiled down to right and wrong.
I have never fit easily into a description of political party or social beliefs. I work at being very open minded to many different viewpoints even those I struggle with because they are so deeply rooted in fear. I have certainly disagreed with others desire to position me neatly into a box, yet Wayne's wording was still less than comforting. I didn't want to be judged yet I felt like if I didn't see things in a somewhat black and white manner, I would be lost. For the most part, I've made my peace between discernment and judgment. I deeply believe that only the Divine can offer judgment and that the type of judgement that occurs on that level is far beyond the understanding of most of us on earth. Discernment, I've come to understand, is deciding what fits best for me and is very subject to change.
I sat with why relinquishing the need to be right touched me so deeply. Was it about logic? Was it about worthiness or was it about something much deeper? After some reflection, I think I recognize what it is for me at this point in my life. Somewhere within me I believed that if I was right, I was justified and somehow safe. If I could show my point, and others could see it then some of the criticism and judgment would end. Part of this was family based, as I said I come from a family of debaters. I think a large part of this belief came from school and work settings. If you were bright and bold and had reason to back up your words, then you were considered someone to respect. It's probably why very quiet people confused me. I often knew that they were bright from conversations we had one on one but somehow they were not "seen" as bright. Emotion, passion and boldness pushed back the judgement others wanted to inflict upon me. Being right, which ultimately is impossible, was a belief that I used to justify my existence. If I could express myself and have others hear me, then I was considered worthy.
Interesting that in the time I've been taking to heal, where I infrequently see people, I feel far more empowered than I ever did in any debate. This blog shows I still need to express myself but perhaps it's far more for me to find and use my voice than it is for anyone to approve. Funny how these insights work. I still have my opinions and beliefs and certainly discern what's best for myself but if no one else "gets" it I may feel lonely, but not unworthy.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
I don't feel what you feel
My latest frustration is a reminder to one of my deeper issues. It is so confusing to me how others often believe that they know how I feel. I believe it's pretty insensitive and unrealistic to believe that any of us know exactly how someone else feels. For example, my vision therapist seemed genuinely perplexed that I was not delighted over her praise of my work. Frankly I don't feel I need it. I work a lot on my vision therapy exercises and I know I am making progress. My husband is a wonderful support and his praise I accept easily. To me, relationship and connection support understanding. Practitioners regardless of degree or training don't necessarily understand how I'm feeling even though they often think they do.
As the name of this blog suggests, I am not like a lot of folks. Maybe my genetic glitches, traumatic brain injury, dyslexia, or some unique light within me causes me to see, feel and process the world differently than others. I can understand that people who live in different places can't full understand my life in the Southeastern Arizona sun. As a matter of fact, someone in the Southeastern US which is known for its heat and humidity was commenting on the significant heat in Arizona. With all due respect, how is it you can know my experience when you've never been here much less know personally what it's like for me?
In the years I worked in the mental health system, I observed several biases. One that is still a stickler for me is gender bias. Domestic violence has frequently been described as men behaving violently to women. Although clearly this happens, there are many women who have been violent in word and deed to men. Women who have used their position or power to intimidate, dominate, and manipulate men. Both genders have exploited children and I tire of the bias that women are incapable of such things. Human beings are struggling mortals who are frequently overwhelmed by life and disastrous things can happen as a result.
Another pattern I have seen is that somehow those in affluent communities are immune to addiction, mental illness and violence. Few things could be further from the truth. I remember calling the police to investigate violence to a Caucasian, male adolescent and was told: "This doesn't happen in THAT neighborhood." The community in question was a very wealthy, professional neighborhood.
My husband has talked about how he spent years not realizing how prevalent addiction, mental illness, and violence was. Due to personal and professional experience, I know how epidemic these are.
Perhaps people want to support others and assume that because they want to understand, they do. Although this is an altruistic sentiment, it's untrue in my view. We all have biases and limitations in how we take in the world based upon our own views and experiences. I'm not angry because we all have sticking points. I'm angry because so many people refuse to acknowledge them. Practitioners of all types frequently want to genuinely help others. Somewhere in their desire to help and feel needed, they can get lost.
I once had a provider tell me that my functioning was similar to a great tree with a hole in the center. I think that describes me quite well. My executive functioning is quite high. My verbal skills are very good. My visual spatial issues are quite another matter. I struggle to make sense of spatial positioning and reasoning. Colors and patterns are a real challenge for me. My dyslexia is a great gift when I am doing broad reasoning and a real challenge when I'm attempting to make sense of a graph and details.
I respect people who have skills I don't. I think it's really cool to watch others whose proprioception and kinesthetic awareness are outstanding. I enjoy my vision therapy and look forward to more and more success. I don't do it to impress anyone. I do it because I see a void that I want to fill. I strive to be a more integrated human being.
Perhaps one of my lessons in life is to honor where I am and others are. I don't need to like it or get lost in it, I just need to honor it. It feels like a very delicate walk to balance my own opinions with those of others. I guess like is said in recovery circles: "I will take what fits and leave the rest".
As the name of this blog suggests, I am not like a lot of folks. Maybe my genetic glitches, traumatic brain injury, dyslexia, or some unique light within me causes me to see, feel and process the world differently than others. I can understand that people who live in different places can't full understand my life in the Southeastern Arizona sun. As a matter of fact, someone in the Southeastern US which is known for its heat and humidity was commenting on the significant heat in Arizona. With all due respect, how is it you can know my experience when you've never been here much less know personally what it's like for me?
In the years I worked in the mental health system, I observed several biases. One that is still a stickler for me is gender bias. Domestic violence has frequently been described as men behaving violently to women. Although clearly this happens, there are many women who have been violent in word and deed to men. Women who have used their position or power to intimidate, dominate, and manipulate men. Both genders have exploited children and I tire of the bias that women are incapable of such things. Human beings are struggling mortals who are frequently overwhelmed by life and disastrous things can happen as a result.
Another pattern I have seen is that somehow those in affluent communities are immune to addiction, mental illness and violence. Few things could be further from the truth. I remember calling the police to investigate violence to a Caucasian, male adolescent and was told: "This doesn't happen in THAT neighborhood." The community in question was a very wealthy, professional neighborhood.
My husband has talked about how he spent years not realizing how prevalent addiction, mental illness, and violence was. Due to personal and professional experience, I know how epidemic these are.
Perhaps people want to support others and assume that because they want to understand, they do. Although this is an altruistic sentiment, it's untrue in my view. We all have biases and limitations in how we take in the world based upon our own views and experiences. I'm not angry because we all have sticking points. I'm angry because so many people refuse to acknowledge them. Practitioners of all types frequently want to genuinely help others. Somewhere in their desire to help and feel needed, they can get lost.
I once had a provider tell me that my functioning was similar to a great tree with a hole in the center. I think that describes me quite well. My executive functioning is quite high. My verbal skills are very good. My visual spatial issues are quite another matter. I struggle to make sense of spatial positioning and reasoning. Colors and patterns are a real challenge for me. My dyslexia is a great gift when I am doing broad reasoning and a real challenge when I'm attempting to make sense of a graph and details.
I respect people who have skills I don't. I think it's really cool to watch others whose proprioception and kinesthetic awareness are outstanding. I enjoy my vision therapy and look forward to more and more success. I don't do it to impress anyone. I do it because I see a void that I want to fill. I strive to be a more integrated human being.
Perhaps one of my lessons in life is to honor where I am and others are. I don't need to like it or get lost in it, I just need to honor it. It feels like a very delicate walk to balance my own opinions with those of others. I guess like is said in recovery circles: "I will take what fits and leave the rest".
Am I really crazy?
The movie "Gaslight" was adapted from the UK version "The Murder in Thornton Square" which shows psychological manipulation now known as gaslighting. Dr. Robin Norwood's book "The Gaslight Effect" describes people who frequently fall victim to this behavior as bright, naive, kind, loving people. Because the behavior often begins in a very subtle manner, the person is often overwhelmed before they realize what is happening to them. Those who engage in gaslighting are often people who fit criteria or at least the traits of those who have Axis II or personality disorders such as antisocial, narcissistic, borderline among others. These people are inherently wired to behave in a manipulative fashion. Most of the time, they are not fully aware of their behavior or if they are seem quite unable to change it. This could be due to chemical, social, or physical effects present in and around them.
John Bradshaw, noted addictions counselor and educator, often used a mobile to describe family dynamics. His premise was that if one part of the mobile moved, then all the rest of the parts would be affected. This observation is very relevant to me. Lots of theories and observations are very narrow in scope. Life is not narrow and our experiences are multifaceted. Because of Mr. Bradshaw's observations, it's very clear to me that we are all made up of lots of different energies and when we interact with one another they are magnified. So for example, when I was growing up I had lots of dynamics at play. I was my mother's third child, my father's only child, my parents were older, much older, when I was born. My mother was 41 and my dad was 48. That in and of itself could set up a cascade for lots of issues. Throw in that like most families, mine had their own dysfunctions and trauma, and I have a genetic deletion along with early physical trauma and there is the beginning of a fast moving mobile.
I was raised in a very rural area with very limited opportunities for healthy interaction and I became very withdrawn. My sadness and isolation only grew in intensity until I began high school. It wasn't until then when I began to meet other people who I connected with and truly enjoyed being around. The last semester of my senior year of high school I was forced to limit my classes and begin taking courses through a junior college. That shift along with breaking up with a long time friend/boyfriend caused a huge upheaval in my world. Without the support I needed, I headed into my first unhealthy relationship. The young man who behaved as a small child fit almost every descriptor for a sociopath. My naive background did not prepare me for his host of tricks. I am so grateful that the Divine intervened and our relationship was cut short with him going off to prison. My family, and my uncle in particular, could not understand how I could possibly get involved with the likes of him. What my uncle didn't realize was that I genuinely wanted to help this boy and that no amount of logical reasoning from my aunts was going to replace the loving words this person gave me. Whether he meant them or not was irrelevant. I so desperately wanted and needed to hear them.
After several kind but unsatisfying relationships, I did well in college and still had my battles with very deep depression. I had no idea of my significant visual spatial impairments, dyslexia or the damage to my parietal lobes. I was still searching to understand my past and my ever frequent dissociation based drowsiness. By the time I was ready to leave New Jersey, I was pretty overwhelmed. I had a long stack of grief, depression that needed medication to stabilize, and neurological issues that were getting more pronounced as I grew older. When I met my ex-husband, he seemed like a genuinely nice man. He was bright and although rather quiet, he appeared to have a kind heart and a generous spirit. What I didn't know was how dark his internal world was. After years of being away from him, I am more fully realizing how challenged he was and how much he had been engaging in gaslighting. I began the relationship tired but still young enough to have fire to fight the good fight. By the end of 11 years, I was drained, exhausted and emotionally devastated.
Since that time, I have found a deep love for writing and seeing the world through a much more spiritual lens. My current relationship is not without issues but it is genuine, honest, kind and sincerely loving. Faith and connection have set the stage for my healing. Finding out how compromised my neurological system is hitting me very hard. Realizing how much grief, betrayal, trauma and dysfunction has affected me is still rocking my world.
Dr. Norwood talks about how gaslighting doesn't happen to people because they are stupid or foolish. Rather it's often because they are kind and loving people who want to see the best in others. Gaslighting can be very subtle or downright obvious, especially to those on the outside of the relationship. Finding trust and integrity in a world that can often appear to have none is a real challenge for me each day.
My energy levels, disabilities, trauma, and healing are guideposts that I sometimes still bump into when I least expect it. It's my hope that as we reflect back on our lives that we can see the good with the bad and come away from it knowing that our lives are very multidimensional and that just like John Bradshaw's mobile, they shift and re-balance often throughout our lives.
John Bradshaw, noted addictions counselor and educator, often used a mobile to describe family dynamics. His premise was that if one part of the mobile moved, then all the rest of the parts would be affected. This observation is very relevant to me. Lots of theories and observations are very narrow in scope. Life is not narrow and our experiences are multifaceted. Because of Mr. Bradshaw's observations, it's very clear to me that we are all made up of lots of different energies and when we interact with one another they are magnified. So for example, when I was growing up I had lots of dynamics at play. I was my mother's third child, my father's only child, my parents were older, much older, when I was born. My mother was 41 and my dad was 48. That in and of itself could set up a cascade for lots of issues. Throw in that like most families, mine had their own dysfunctions and trauma, and I have a genetic deletion along with early physical trauma and there is the beginning of a fast moving mobile.
I was raised in a very rural area with very limited opportunities for healthy interaction and I became very withdrawn. My sadness and isolation only grew in intensity until I began high school. It wasn't until then when I began to meet other people who I connected with and truly enjoyed being around. The last semester of my senior year of high school I was forced to limit my classes and begin taking courses through a junior college. That shift along with breaking up with a long time friend/boyfriend caused a huge upheaval in my world. Without the support I needed, I headed into my first unhealthy relationship. The young man who behaved as a small child fit almost every descriptor for a sociopath. My naive background did not prepare me for his host of tricks. I am so grateful that the Divine intervened and our relationship was cut short with him going off to prison. My family, and my uncle in particular, could not understand how I could possibly get involved with the likes of him. What my uncle didn't realize was that I genuinely wanted to help this boy and that no amount of logical reasoning from my aunts was going to replace the loving words this person gave me. Whether he meant them or not was irrelevant. I so desperately wanted and needed to hear them.
After several kind but unsatisfying relationships, I did well in college and still had my battles with very deep depression. I had no idea of my significant visual spatial impairments, dyslexia or the damage to my parietal lobes. I was still searching to understand my past and my ever frequent dissociation based drowsiness. By the time I was ready to leave New Jersey, I was pretty overwhelmed. I had a long stack of grief, depression that needed medication to stabilize, and neurological issues that were getting more pronounced as I grew older. When I met my ex-husband, he seemed like a genuinely nice man. He was bright and although rather quiet, he appeared to have a kind heart and a generous spirit. What I didn't know was how dark his internal world was. After years of being away from him, I am more fully realizing how challenged he was and how much he had been engaging in gaslighting. I began the relationship tired but still young enough to have fire to fight the good fight. By the end of 11 years, I was drained, exhausted and emotionally devastated.
Since that time, I have found a deep love for writing and seeing the world through a much more spiritual lens. My current relationship is not without issues but it is genuine, honest, kind and sincerely loving. Faith and connection have set the stage for my healing. Finding out how compromised my neurological system is hitting me very hard. Realizing how much grief, betrayal, trauma and dysfunction has affected me is still rocking my world.
Dr. Norwood talks about how gaslighting doesn't happen to people because they are stupid or foolish. Rather it's often because they are kind and loving people who want to see the best in others. Gaslighting can be very subtle or downright obvious, especially to those on the outside of the relationship. Finding trust and integrity in a world that can often appear to have none is a real challenge for me each day.
My energy levels, disabilities, trauma, and healing are guideposts that I sometimes still bump into when I least expect it. It's my hope that as we reflect back on our lives that we can see the good with the bad and come away from it knowing that our lives are very multidimensional and that just like John Bradshaw's mobile, they shift and re-balance often throughout our lives.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Sensitivity
In my search for healing, I've come across many things that have helped me. Because of my traumatic brain injury and other issues, I am very sensitive. Therefore I have chosen to use as many natural modalities as possible to support my recovery. One of the first areas I realized I was reactive to was scents. Room deodorizers, laundry soaps and fabric softeners, perfume and cologne, incense, and candles can cause me to react with sinus congestion and/or asthmatic flair up not to mention a very intense headache or nausea. To reduce this exposure, I use only borax or Dawn for stains in my laundry. I don't use fabric softener. I use my earthing sheet to remove any static electricity. I don't use most perfumes but have been known to use a very high quality, pure essential oil such as lavender or vanilla. The only candles I'll use are beeswax or palm wax with very light, natural scents. As for incense, I only use very, very pure ones and not often.
Light is another huge area of sensitivity for me. When I am in yellow or off white light, my eyes water, I may get a headache, or become extremely irritable and tense. I do my best to use very clean light. Revere light bulbs, natural sunlight unless it contains a lot of glare, or very minimal lighting suits me best. Fluorescent is by far the worst for me and I really can't tolerate it for long. I'm one of those people who hears the buzzing in them. Mega stores are not places I go to often.
Movement is another area of sensitivity. I am bothered by fast pictures, traffic, sounds, or movement of others. I can process things much better when things are slowed down. People don't need to speak excessively slowly but I do much better with little or no background nose or distractions.
Food is another gigantic area for me to handle. I do my best to avoid all conventional and most organic soy and corn, including high fructose corn syrup. I avoid processed food. I do my best to consume organic, non-genetically modified (non-gmo) foods. I will occasionally eat conventional wheat, sugar or flour but really keep it to a minimum. I don't eat dairy except for a rare occasion of butter. My diet is largely plant based.
I agree with David Wolfe, Daniel Vitalis, and many other whole food/raw food consumers that eating food as close to nature is important. I do take a few supplements but most of my nutrition comes from whole foods. I take raw cacao for magnesium and combine it with cinnamon along with some raw, unheated honey. I do use chaga, reishi and rhemannia herbs in teas. I take lion's mane mushroom capsules and gingko biloba for neurological support. I consume healthy fats to also help support my neurological system such as spirulina, coconut oil, krill or high quality fish oil, and COQ10.
When I was younger, I had chronic allergies and frequent colds. Because of my changes in diet, removing dairy specifically, I am rarely sick and my allergies at their worst can be dealt with by taking quercetin and/or nettles.
Even after years of black mold exposure, my system is healing. I particularly like non-gmo D-Ribose to help with energy. When my electrolytes are not up where they need to be, I turn to raw, unheated coconut water. It makes me feel better faster than anything else I've tried. I am not trying to be redundant in saying, raw and unheated. Sadly food labeling does allow for products to be labeled raw even though they have been heated. Heating does remove some degree of nutrition and when enzymes and phytonutritients are involved, heating doesn't allow for these precious nutrients to stay in tact.
I love the kirlian photography of foods that David Wolfe offers in his book Superfoods: The Food and Medicine of the Future. I can feel the difference in the types of foods I eat. I believe that spiritually we do receive energy from what we take into our bodies. If we eat or drink when we are angry, sad or fearful, we are not getting all that the food is capable of sharing with us. Eating like praying is sacred and I believe we need to consume our food with honor and gratitude.
My sensitivity is something I have needed to accept about myself. Some people have honored it and some have critiqued it. I am not one of those types who can handle anything anywhere. I need to honor myself and accept that I do need quiet, peace, reflection, gentleness, and kindness. Sometimes it's a challenge to be so sensitive in such an insensitive world, yet I have found that if I honor this gift than interestingly so do others.
References:
http://www.earthing.com
http://www.danielvitalis.com
http://www.davidwolfe.com/
Wolfe, D. (2009) Superfoods: The Food and Medicine of the Future Berkely, California: North Atlantic Books.
Light is another huge area of sensitivity for me. When I am in yellow or off white light, my eyes water, I may get a headache, or become extremely irritable and tense. I do my best to use very clean light. Revere light bulbs, natural sunlight unless it contains a lot of glare, or very minimal lighting suits me best. Fluorescent is by far the worst for me and I really can't tolerate it for long. I'm one of those people who hears the buzzing in them. Mega stores are not places I go to often.
Movement is another area of sensitivity. I am bothered by fast pictures, traffic, sounds, or movement of others. I can process things much better when things are slowed down. People don't need to speak excessively slowly but I do much better with little or no background nose or distractions.
Food is another gigantic area for me to handle. I do my best to avoid all conventional and most organic soy and corn, including high fructose corn syrup. I avoid processed food. I do my best to consume organic, non-genetically modified (non-gmo) foods. I will occasionally eat conventional wheat, sugar or flour but really keep it to a minimum. I don't eat dairy except for a rare occasion of butter. My diet is largely plant based.
I agree with David Wolfe, Daniel Vitalis, and many other whole food/raw food consumers that eating food as close to nature is important. I do take a few supplements but most of my nutrition comes from whole foods. I take raw cacao for magnesium and combine it with cinnamon along with some raw, unheated honey. I do use chaga, reishi and rhemannia herbs in teas. I take lion's mane mushroom capsules and gingko biloba for neurological support. I consume healthy fats to also help support my neurological system such as spirulina, coconut oil, krill or high quality fish oil, and COQ10.
When I was younger, I had chronic allergies and frequent colds. Because of my changes in diet, removing dairy specifically, I am rarely sick and my allergies at their worst can be dealt with by taking quercetin and/or nettles.
Even after years of black mold exposure, my system is healing. I particularly like non-gmo D-Ribose to help with energy. When my electrolytes are not up where they need to be, I turn to raw, unheated coconut water. It makes me feel better faster than anything else I've tried. I am not trying to be redundant in saying, raw and unheated. Sadly food labeling does allow for products to be labeled raw even though they have been heated. Heating does remove some degree of nutrition and when enzymes and phytonutritients are involved, heating doesn't allow for these precious nutrients to stay in tact.
I love the kirlian photography of foods that David Wolfe offers in his book Superfoods: The Food and Medicine of the Future. I can feel the difference in the types of foods I eat. I believe that spiritually we do receive energy from what we take into our bodies. If we eat or drink when we are angry, sad or fearful, we are not getting all that the food is capable of sharing with us. Eating like praying is sacred and I believe we need to consume our food with honor and gratitude.
My sensitivity is something I have needed to accept about myself. Some people have honored it and some have critiqued it. I am not one of those types who can handle anything anywhere. I need to honor myself and accept that I do need quiet, peace, reflection, gentleness, and kindness. Sometimes it's a challenge to be so sensitive in such an insensitive world, yet I have found that if I honor this gift than interestingly so do others.
References:
http://www.earthing.com
http://www.danielvitalis.com
http://www.davidwolfe.com/
Wolfe, D. (2009) Superfoods: The Food and Medicine of the Future Berkely, California: North Atlantic Books.
Monday, January 19, 2015
Unique journeys
I was reading a friend's blog this morning, http://luminousblue5.com/, where she was talking about her feelings of grief. One of the most striking parts of her sharing was on how isolated she felt with some of her deepest feelings. It's not that she's lonely or even physically isolated, she's actually quite connected. The isolation she meant was about how some experiences in life are very uniquely our own. No one else can quite comprehend how these events have forever changed us. I can relate to her process.
Like many people I have experienced many losses yet there is one that is uniquely my own. I've had many discussions with people about the difference between losing something you once had vs never having it at all. This can be true for money, love, success, fame, functionality, pain, connection, spirituality and a host of others. Most of us, being the mortals we are, believe at a very primitive level that our experience is the most intense and for us, certainly it is. We know that our pain and heartache trumps others at some of the deepest parts of our being. To me, there is no way to compare experiences. Each of us have had the gambit of experiences that we call life.
As I have referred to earlier posts, I am unique in many ways. My perceptions of things are very similar to some and quite different from others. One of my differences is that I did not go through life as a high functioning person and then have my life fall into shambles because of an event. My experiences have almost always been bittersweet with a great deal of struggle. I am blessed to be bright and intuitive. A large portion of my struggles are due to damage to my brain. Seeing limitations in blood flow in parts of my brain, reduce volume, and thinning of matter explained in black and white print does not begin to express what it's like to live my life.
To add to this when practitioners learn that there was not one single event that caused it but rather a series of events that added to the damage, they seem unsure what to do with it. When they learn that my impairments are a combination of genetic and early childhood violence, they seem so stunned they can't move. In the years I worked in the mental health community, I saw violence. Whether it was veterans returning from war, survivors of family violence, or accidents that forever changed lives, the effects of trauma were everywhere. Trauma can be used to describe physical or emotional experiences. Physical traumas the world seems to handle better. It's interesting to me that if we can identify and see an impairment, we suddenly seem to be different with someone. If a person has struggles but no outward expression of it, we seem somewhat lost.
Just because someone uses a cane, walker, crutch, or wheelchair does not make them more or less disabled. It just means their lives are different from those who don't. For the many of us who struggle with chronic pain, brain dysfunctions, diabetes, immune challenges, colitis, Chron's disease, HIV, Hepatitis, or the ongoing list of invisible disabilities, we work to find a balance of asking for what we need and appearing as normal as possible. The journey for many of us is to grieve silently and hope somewhere, somehow we will find a place for expression and processing.
Spirituality is my foundation. It doesn't mean it should be for everyone. What I'm saying is that each of us needs to find something to use as our footing for going on and meeting another day. I have been blessed to not have lots of people telling me they understand how I feel and what I should be doing. I'm sure that is not everyone else's experience.
When my friend was writing she was talking about a very personal loss which is something that has forever changed her life. Her views and values in some ways are quite different from my own. We share certain core beliefs but her path through life has been different. One of the things I admire about her is her courage. I don't mean fancy, bold, public courage necessarily. I refer rather to her quiet, persevering, commitment to love. She is determined to live her life from a place of love rather than fear. That is not to say she is fearless because she is very human and able to feel it as much if not more than many. I do my best to face life from a place of love as well.
It's not that I couldn't make the choice to lose myself into despair. I've been to that place and choose sometimes several times a day not to return there. Choosing to fuss but not stay in anger. Choosing to see the light rather than the darkness of the days is what I decided I needed to do. Two of my favorite guides in my life have been Maya Angelou and Les Brown. Neither had an easy life and yet they chose to learn and grow through their traumas. As I have looked over their lives, I see they, like my friend, have chosen to live in love over fear. That is not to say we don't all have opinions and fire that burns deep within us. It is a choice to look up or down in life. It is a lie to believe that if you are a good person all will go easily for you. Reverend Michael Bernard Beckwith, another one of my favorite people, talks about choice and how important believing that we are not victims of circumstance is.
I honor my path even though some days I deeply tire from it. I honor others' paths. None of us know what lies before us and yet at a very profound level we all have a choice. Do we honor ourselves in this moment? Do we realize how we respond is up to us and no one else? May all of you have the opportunity to see the possibilities in your unique journey.
Like many people I have experienced many losses yet there is one that is uniquely my own. I've had many discussions with people about the difference between losing something you once had vs never having it at all. This can be true for money, love, success, fame, functionality, pain, connection, spirituality and a host of others. Most of us, being the mortals we are, believe at a very primitive level that our experience is the most intense and for us, certainly it is. We know that our pain and heartache trumps others at some of the deepest parts of our being. To me, there is no way to compare experiences. Each of us have had the gambit of experiences that we call life.
As I have referred to earlier posts, I am unique in many ways. My perceptions of things are very similar to some and quite different from others. One of my differences is that I did not go through life as a high functioning person and then have my life fall into shambles because of an event. My experiences have almost always been bittersweet with a great deal of struggle. I am blessed to be bright and intuitive. A large portion of my struggles are due to damage to my brain. Seeing limitations in blood flow in parts of my brain, reduce volume, and thinning of matter explained in black and white print does not begin to express what it's like to live my life.
To add to this when practitioners learn that there was not one single event that caused it but rather a series of events that added to the damage, they seem unsure what to do with it. When they learn that my impairments are a combination of genetic and early childhood violence, they seem so stunned they can't move. In the years I worked in the mental health community, I saw violence. Whether it was veterans returning from war, survivors of family violence, or accidents that forever changed lives, the effects of trauma were everywhere. Trauma can be used to describe physical or emotional experiences. Physical traumas the world seems to handle better. It's interesting to me that if we can identify and see an impairment, we suddenly seem to be different with someone. If a person has struggles but no outward expression of it, we seem somewhat lost.
Just because someone uses a cane, walker, crutch, or wheelchair does not make them more or less disabled. It just means their lives are different from those who don't. For the many of us who struggle with chronic pain, brain dysfunctions, diabetes, immune challenges, colitis, Chron's disease, HIV, Hepatitis, or the ongoing list of invisible disabilities, we work to find a balance of asking for what we need and appearing as normal as possible. The journey for many of us is to grieve silently and hope somewhere, somehow we will find a place for expression and processing.
Spirituality is my foundation. It doesn't mean it should be for everyone. What I'm saying is that each of us needs to find something to use as our footing for going on and meeting another day. I have been blessed to not have lots of people telling me they understand how I feel and what I should be doing. I'm sure that is not everyone else's experience.
When my friend was writing she was talking about a very personal loss which is something that has forever changed her life. Her views and values in some ways are quite different from my own. We share certain core beliefs but her path through life has been different. One of the things I admire about her is her courage. I don't mean fancy, bold, public courage necessarily. I refer rather to her quiet, persevering, commitment to love. She is determined to live her life from a place of love rather than fear. That is not to say she is fearless because she is very human and able to feel it as much if not more than many. I do my best to face life from a place of love as well.
It's not that I couldn't make the choice to lose myself into despair. I've been to that place and choose sometimes several times a day not to return there. Choosing to fuss but not stay in anger. Choosing to see the light rather than the darkness of the days is what I decided I needed to do. Two of my favorite guides in my life have been Maya Angelou and Les Brown. Neither had an easy life and yet they chose to learn and grow through their traumas. As I have looked over their lives, I see they, like my friend, have chosen to live in love over fear. That is not to say we don't all have opinions and fire that burns deep within us. It is a choice to look up or down in life. It is a lie to believe that if you are a good person all will go easily for you. Reverend Michael Bernard Beckwith, another one of my favorite people, talks about choice and how important believing that we are not victims of circumstance is.
I honor my path even though some days I deeply tire from it. I honor others' paths. None of us know what lies before us and yet at a very profound level we all have a choice. Do we honor ourselves in this moment? Do we realize how we respond is up to us and no one else? May all of you have the opportunity to see the possibilities in your unique journey.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Just in Time
My father-in-law often talks about events occurring just in time. He sees how often the timing of life works in our favor. Being a very spiritual man who is very intuitive, he often senses who's calling and when his sons have needed him. I bring this up because I too have experienced this phenomenon. Many years ago I was told by a practitioner that if I didn't slow my pace down, my neurological system would not be able to continue supporting the life I wanted. Those words have come to pass and many, many doctors have talked about how much I am unable to do. Just when I was feeling very burdened by yet another modality that did not work to restore my vitality, I rediscovered vision therapy and visceral manipulation. Just when my system was so tired and my mood heavy, I was given a very special gift. Just in time for the holidays, just in time for the new year, just in time to see a brilliant future I was given this connection. The providers of these services were humble, kind and generous. Their desire to help people in unique and empowering ways came just in time.
How often do we find ourselves stuck in a rut? We can feel so tired of trying as hard as we can and not getting anywhere. Life has a way of pushing us and many times we surrender to the pressure and give up. I don't believe the point of challenging circumstances is to relinquish our power. Rather I feel it's an opportunity to regroup and begin again. I had a dear friend who used to talk about how important it is to pick yourself up. She often talked about the meaning of life being about how often we get up rather than being knocked down. At the time I found her words frustrating. Who wants to pitifully pick yourself up after yet another embarrassing mistake? I truly thought back then that I was alone in believing I made the worst mistakes of anyone I knew. Amazing how narrow one's field of vision is when you're lost in self-pity! Once I realized we all fall down again and again, my life changed. My friend's words made more sense. All of us seem to struggle, soar, limp, suffer, and then try again.
My father-in-law, Charles, has made quite an impression on people through the years. This story is but one of many lives he's helped to shift. One Sunday at church, where he attends regularly, a new face appeared. It was a young man who stayed to himself during the service but was greeted by Charles before he left the building. This man was welcomed, supported in his decision to come to this service this day, and encouraged to come back in a way only my father-in-law can do. The man did come back the next week and many weeks thereafter. Eventually he chose to join the congregation. His decision to become a member was not what was significant. His feelings and words to the minister were: "I came to that first service to make my peace with God. I decided to go to church one more time and then go home to take my life. Charles took time and saw me for who I was. God spoke to me that day through this very kind man."
Charles is like that and so is his son, my husband. They both seem to deeply believe that God manifests in many forms. The kindness and gentleness they show the world is something very new to me. I was not raised with this sort of behavior. My parents could be nice but definitely didn't see the world as these two men do.
During this time of busyness and chaos, it's easy to forget what matters most. Many around the world suffer and are consumed with deep heartache. I have been amazingly blessed again and again. It's not that my life has been easy or gentle because in reality it's been neither. Charles' words: "Just in time" describes connections I've made, gifts I've received, and my current path to healing.
So during this time of the year perhaps when you are quiet and still, you can remember what matters most and how much of your life occurred "just in time". We may never ever know how much we influence another life. For me spirituality is many things not least of which is knowing that we all are intrinsically part of the Divine.
How often do we find ourselves stuck in a rut? We can feel so tired of trying as hard as we can and not getting anywhere. Life has a way of pushing us and many times we surrender to the pressure and give up. I don't believe the point of challenging circumstances is to relinquish our power. Rather I feel it's an opportunity to regroup and begin again. I had a dear friend who used to talk about how important it is to pick yourself up. She often talked about the meaning of life being about how often we get up rather than being knocked down. At the time I found her words frustrating. Who wants to pitifully pick yourself up after yet another embarrassing mistake? I truly thought back then that I was alone in believing I made the worst mistakes of anyone I knew. Amazing how narrow one's field of vision is when you're lost in self-pity! Once I realized we all fall down again and again, my life changed. My friend's words made more sense. All of us seem to struggle, soar, limp, suffer, and then try again.
My father-in-law, Charles, has made quite an impression on people through the years. This story is but one of many lives he's helped to shift. One Sunday at church, where he attends regularly, a new face appeared. It was a young man who stayed to himself during the service but was greeted by Charles before he left the building. This man was welcomed, supported in his decision to come to this service this day, and encouraged to come back in a way only my father-in-law can do. The man did come back the next week and many weeks thereafter. Eventually he chose to join the congregation. His decision to become a member was not what was significant. His feelings and words to the minister were: "I came to that first service to make my peace with God. I decided to go to church one more time and then go home to take my life. Charles took time and saw me for who I was. God spoke to me that day through this very kind man."
Charles is like that and so is his son, my husband. They both seem to deeply believe that God manifests in many forms. The kindness and gentleness they show the world is something very new to me. I was not raised with this sort of behavior. My parents could be nice but definitely didn't see the world as these two men do.
During this time of busyness and chaos, it's easy to forget what matters most. Many around the world suffer and are consumed with deep heartache. I have been amazingly blessed again and again. It's not that my life has been easy or gentle because in reality it's been neither. Charles' words: "Just in time" describes connections I've made, gifts I've received, and my current path to healing.
So during this time of the year perhaps when you are quiet and still, you can remember what matters most and how much of your life occurred "just in time". We may never ever know how much we influence another life. For me spirituality is many things not least of which is knowing that we all are intrinsically part of the Divine.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Beyond what the eyes can see
Many spiritual traditions speak of perceiving with the heart rather than the mind. This ability has carried me through many times in my life. Over the last few years, a process has been happening in my life. I have been observing many things and yet I have struggled to integrate them into my being. Sometimes it's the harshness of what is occurring that is more than my sensitive side can handle. Often it is the confusion of what is said rather than what is intended. This confusion has definitely affected me psychologically which has led to a deeper and richer spiritual life after some time of frustration and grieving. It has also taken on a physical manifestation.
Because of my circulation challenges, particularly in the parietal lobes of my brain, I have struggled with visual spatial issues. This world is very visual spatial and encompasses reading, writing, driving, equine and canine sports as well as things as basic as movement and good quality rest. Over the last few years my health has shifted and my independence lessened. I did learn about my challenges later in life which has been bittersweet. It was very sad to me that what I thought were just personality glitches actually turned out to be significant neurological impairments. Talk about having to learn who you are all over again! The sweet part of this is that I have learned how much courage and strength and fortitude I possess. Ain't no quitting for this girl!
As I have learned about nutrition in a new way, chronic fatigue (in my case from black mold exposure), high quality supplements and how amazingly resilient the brain is, I have found a deep sense of gratitude. I am finding improvement in my energy from supplements based on the latest research on Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. In addition, I am looking forward to returning to vision therapy to receive the support I need to process what I see. It's becoming more and more obvious to me that seeing is only part of the story. Many of us can observe, notice, and then disregard what is around us. Sometimes we can look at, take in, and become forever changed by what our eyes can see. I am one of those platypus folks who sees, feels and perceives and then is overwhelmed with the magnitude of my experiences. Vision therapy can help me to incorporate what I perceive. It can have ramifications on the visual and vestibular systems. It can transform a deeply struggling person to someone who has independence and confidence.
As I wait, yet again, for this doctor whose work could so powerfully change my life I feel gratitude about many things. It is wonderful that she and her team are so close to me. I know that this modality can shift many things and yet I do have some anxiety about who I will become and what my life will be.
I truly believe we can never unsee anything. Once we have had an experience, we are forever shifted by it. Although traumatic events come to mind, deeply powerful events whether full of pain or joy can do the same thing. I have seen a lot in my life. The years that I worked in the mental health system allowed me to see the good and bad of modalities, providers, clients and medications. The Allopathic world with the many drugs, interventions and testing of all types and the masses of people who believe this is the only true way to healing. The Naturopathic, Chiropractic, Ayurvedic, Traditional Chinese Medicine and other nutritional options which in some cases somewhat mimic that of the Allopathic perspective. The spiritual modes to healing which include meditation, energy work, prayer, and reflection. I have walked a bit into each of these worlds and by far the most powerful has been the walk of the spiritual. Knowing that in my darkest periods there was always a light grander than myself, even when I could barely sense it, made my life meaningful. The wisdom of true healers, marked not by the letters after their name but rather by the wisdom and love they brought into their own and others' lives, is a very precious gift.
The fear that is so prevalent in this world drains our adrenals and taxes the energy we all work so hard to achieve. It presents itself as reality when in fact it is an illusion as brilliantly displayed as the holodeck on Star Trek. Fear can convince us that we are weak, weary, and defeated. It can be an unyielding task master and it can be our worse enemy. The light of truth, love, kindness and discernment can shift even the deepest fears. Sometimes we all need a hand up, and fortunately there are many amazingly loving and kind people that live on this planet with us willing to offer it. At times we need the nurture of our animals who love us without rhyme or reason, just because love is who they are and we are blessed to be among them.
Most days, I like my unique platypus ways. I am grateful for my path and the amazing opportunities I've been given. I once heard someone say to me: "There are such awful things in the world. Why would God allow these things?" After a brief reflection I said: "How else can we see the grace of God except by being shown how grace works in a variety of challenging situations?" I am so very grateful this day. My life, with all of its glitchy challenges, is incredible. For each time I have been told: "You can't do that!", I know that with some help from the Divine both in my earthly and Heavenly friends I can do all that I need to do.
Because of my circulation challenges, particularly in the parietal lobes of my brain, I have struggled with visual spatial issues. This world is very visual spatial and encompasses reading, writing, driving, equine and canine sports as well as things as basic as movement and good quality rest. Over the last few years my health has shifted and my independence lessened. I did learn about my challenges later in life which has been bittersweet. It was very sad to me that what I thought were just personality glitches actually turned out to be significant neurological impairments. Talk about having to learn who you are all over again! The sweet part of this is that I have learned how much courage and strength and fortitude I possess. Ain't no quitting for this girl!
As I have learned about nutrition in a new way, chronic fatigue (in my case from black mold exposure), high quality supplements and how amazingly resilient the brain is, I have found a deep sense of gratitude. I am finding improvement in my energy from supplements based on the latest research on Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. In addition, I am looking forward to returning to vision therapy to receive the support I need to process what I see. It's becoming more and more obvious to me that seeing is only part of the story. Many of us can observe, notice, and then disregard what is around us. Sometimes we can look at, take in, and become forever changed by what our eyes can see. I am one of those platypus folks who sees, feels and perceives and then is overwhelmed with the magnitude of my experiences. Vision therapy can help me to incorporate what I perceive. It can have ramifications on the visual and vestibular systems. It can transform a deeply struggling person to someone who has independence and confidence.
As I wait, yet again, for this doctor whose work could so powerfully change my life I feel gratitude about many things. It is wonderful that she and her team are so close to me. I know that this modality can shift many things and yet I do have some anxiety about who I will become and what my life will be.
I truly believe we can never unsee anything. Once we have had an experience, we are forever shifted by it. Although traumatic events come to mind, deeply powerful events whether full of pain or joy can do the same thing. I have seen a lot in my life. The years that I worked in the mental health system allowed me to see the good and bad of modalities, providers, clients and medications. The Allopathic world with the many drugs, interventions and testing of all types and the masses of people who believe this is the only true way to healing. The Naturopathic, Chiropractic, Ayurvedic, Traditional Chinese Medicine and other nutritional options which in some cases somewhat mimic that of the Allopathic perspective. The spiritual modes to healing which include meditation, energy work, prayer, and reflection. I have walked a bit into each of these worlds and by far the most powerful has been the walk of the spiritual. Knowing that in my darkest periods there was always a light grander than myself, even when I could barely sense it, made my life meaningful. The wisdom of true healers, marked not by the letters after their name but rather by the wisdom and love they brought into their own and others' lives, is a very precious gift.
The fear that is so prevalent in this world drains our adrenals and taxes the energy we all work so hard to achieve. It presents itself as reality when in fact it is an illusion as brilliantly displayed as the holodeck on Star Trek. Fear can convince us that we are weak, weary, and defeated. It can be an unyielding task master and it can be our worse enemy. The light of truth, love, kindness and discernment can shift even the deepest fears. Sometimes we all need a hand up, and fortunately there are many amazingly loving and kind people that live on this planet with us willing to offer it. At times we need the nurture of our animals who love us without rhyme or reason, just because love is who they are and we are blessed to be among them.
Most days, I like my unique platypus ways. I am grateful for my path and the amazing opportunities I've been given. I once heard someone say to me: "There are such awful things in the world. Why would God allow these things?" After a brief reflection I said: "How else can we see the grace of God except by being shown how grace works in a variety of challenging situations?" I am so very grateful this day. My life, with all of its glitchy challenges, is incredible. For each time I have been told: "You can't do that!", I know that with some help from the Divine both in my earthly and Heavenly friends I can do all that I need to do.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Who am I?
"You can't do that!" I was told. "That's not the right way to do it!" she said. "You're not like everyone else!" he said again and again. Clearly I am not like everyone else in many ways, least of which is naming my blog "Platypus Expressions". Let me give you some insight into the way my mind works. Over the course of my life I have had many challenges to include: having a circulation issue in my brain which affects the way I process what I see and spatially what is around me. I often get very frustrated with this challenge but it's in my life, I like to think, for a reason so quite literally I don't see and process what others do.
Even though I have had several accidents which involved hitting my head, I am not as impaired as some people and seriously more impaired than others. I am fortunate to have great executive function and also to be quite intuitive. These are characteristics that many people with dyslexia and traumatic brain injury (TBI) don't possess. So even though I am disabled, I don't seem to fit what many people think is a description of what disability looks like. Like millions of people, I fall into the group of those with invisible disabilities.
My life has been filled with lots of emotional trauma, loss, abandonment, violence, shame, criticism, judgment and heartache. In many ways I am like most of us who have taken risks in love, career, and friendships. I have chosen to acknowledge my pain, and have worked very hard to make peace with what has felt like deeply broken moments of my heart and soul.
I find a kinship with the platypus because, like them, I feel quite unique in some ways. Neither of us fit nicely into a single box of description. The platypus has a beaver like tail, an otter like body, a duck like bill and duck like feet. He is like several animals yet he is uniquely his own being.
I have been working to come to a deeper appreciation of myself as my own unique being. I feel that even with my share of challenges, I am deeply blessed. There have been many people in my life who have been cherished friends, gentle lovers, and amazing teachers. The animals who have made up a large part of my life were some of the greatest gifts I could have ever imagined. Humility is something that those of us with lots of opportunities for growth get to experience, again and again. Just when we think we've kicked out the oppressive thoughts and feelings, back they come again.
Depression is definitely an experience I know well. I call it that because for me it is and has been a process of development. Grief, resentment, confusion and fear have entangled themselves together in what can be a deep, heavy, isolating creation. Many of my spiritual teachers have spoken of "the long dark night of the soul" which for me weaves its way in and out of my life.
This blog will be about challenge, opportunity, hope, confusion, joy and peace. It will be about life in all of its miserable and amazing components. Thank you for taking time to share my journey.
Even though I have had several accidents which involved hitting my head, I am not as impaired as some people and seriously more impaired than others. I am fortunate to have great executive function and also to be quite intuitive. These are characteristics that many people with dyslexia and traumatic brain injury (TBI) don't possess. So even though I am disabled, I don't seem to fit what many people think is a description of what disability looks like. Like millions of people, I fall into the group of those with invisible disabilities.
My life has been filled with lots of emotional trauma, loss, abandonment, violence, shame, criticism, judgment and heartache. In many ways I am like most of us who have taken risks in love, career, and friendships. I have chosen to acknowledge my pain, and have worked very hard to make peace with what has felt like deeply broken moments of my heart and soul.
I find a kinship with the platypus because, like them, I feel quite unique in some ways. Neither of us fit nicely into a single box of description. The platypus has a beaver like tail, an otter like body, a duck like bill and duck like feet. He is like several animals yet he is uniquely his own being.
I have been working to come to a deeper appreciation of myself as my own unique being. I feel that even with my share of challenges, I am deeply blessed. There have been many people in my life who have been cherished friends, gentle lovers, and amazing teachers. The animals who have made up a large part of my life were some of the greatest gifts I could have ever imagined. Humility is something that those of us with lots of opportunities for growth get to experience, again and again. Just when we think we've kicked out the oppressive thoughts and feelings, back they come again.
Depression is definitely an experience I know well. I call it that because for me it is and has been a process of development. Grief, resentment, confusion and fear have entangled themselves together in what can be a deep, heavy, isolating creation. Many of my spiritual teachers have spoken of "the long dark night of the soul" which for me weaves its way in and out of my life.
This blog will be about challenge, opportunity, hope, confusion, joy and peace. It will be about life in all of its miserable and amazing components. Thank you for taking time to share my journey.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)