These were the words given to me yesterday. I had have always been called sensitive but to be told this by a remarkably sensitive holistic practitioner is a bit different. To many of the practitioners I've seen, I have been quickly misread. I am not a petite woman. I am 5' 5" and my bone size is large. My hour glass shape shows that I am not frail, weak, or delicate. My weight, which I wear quite well, has always been used to ground me to a certain extent. The practitioners who have not understood me have been those who assumed that because I am not a small woman, I am very insensitive on all levels and don't feel things deeply. Those people are missing who I truly am. It is my strong opinion that body size has nothing to do with the depth of sensitivity within someone.
I had a friend who told me many years ago that regardless of how small and thin she was, she felt fat. When she lost weight, she felt more comfortable and was able to reach her goals for health. Her view of herself and my view of myself were quite different. I am obtaining vibrant health which for me is strength, flexibility, and endurance on all levels. My sensitivities on the vestibular, visual, emotional, spiritual, and physical levels have led me to some harsh conclusions. Regardless of how many people claim that they can tolerate amusement parks, malls, loud music, processed food, little sleep, and lots of stimulants, I can't. My system needs lots of quiet, purposeful reflection, healthy lighting and food, gentle colors, and a very supportive environment. There is a certain feeling of grief or guilt about not being able to take what the world has to give, yet I know that busyness is not good for me or who I am.
I find a lot exhausting which is not because I am weak but rather because I am sensitive. The off gassing of furniture, be it at a store or a gym, is enough to kick my system into shut down. The intensity of a group of people be it at the movies, restaurants, stores, or even while doing hobbies, can be totally overwhelming to me. It has been a long time since I was able to have enough of the support I need to cope with the constant busyness of the world. As I continue to explore what brings me peace and what disturbs me, I am finding that I am not alone. Many of us just can't take the constant barrage of light, sound, movement, and expectations that today's modern pace demands. This would certainly explain a lot of our health issues, exhaustion, and erratic sleep patterns.
Certainly my practitioner's words about my sensitivity does put me into a class that is not shared by many, yet I am not without my peers. Many of us deeply enjoy and need a break from the intensity of the world. I appreciate technology and understand that the world is changing rapidly as I write these words. It's clear to me that the world is not meant to cater to my needs. If I am to heal fully, I need to be the one to set limits and boundaries on what I do and where I go. It's also my responsibility to understand to what degree I choose to push myself and then how much time I need to recover.
Being intuitive has its pros and cons. Once an awareness becomes our own, we then accept the responsibility for implementing it in our lives. Sometimes my sensitivities are a real drain to me and other times they give me perception and wisdom that I could never achieve without them. For me, it's not about denying who I am. It's about understanding and honoring who I am in the healthiest, most empowering means possible.
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