I've heard people say that when someone close to you dies, you are never the same. Many people and animals have left this world and I am left to ponder their impressions on my life. I miss their physical presence yet appreciate their time on this earth has passed. In some ways the era that included them still lingers within me. Who I was at that time and my experiences because of it keep my memories fresh. Transitioning to who I am now in a new way is sometimes where I struggle.
I have a friend who tried to be gentle in telling me that my mannerisms and words are very reflective of my Northeastern background. He quickly added: "Not that that's a bad thing." He did his best to compliment my fire and acknowledge that some parts of me are just me at my core. I wonder if some of who I appear to be at my core is partly a shadow of my life with those who have passed. How much am I still my father's child? Are the dogs of my past still influencing my behaviors right now? Is the love I shared with my potbelly pig still affecting the way I see pets and pet pigs in general? Am I a different person because of the time I spent enjoying my horse Jazz?
I'm sure that we all are a combination of experiences and wisdom brought about by past moments. My curiosity is about who affected what and how much of my loneliness is brought about by being forced into an era that is without those of the past who I loved so much. I'm not angry about the loss of those I loved. I'm tired and struggling with adapting to new moments. It's not that I don't wish to grow as a person. It feels more like I keep pushing more and more into unknown territory.
Maybe that's part of why we all endure grief to one degree or another, to push past what is uncomfortable to us. I appreciate a lot of our technological world but I miss writing snail mail. I love that my experience of the world is broader and richer than it used to be yet I still miss what used to be perceived as safe and small. I guess grief has many gifts, not least of which is to push us into seeking new experiences and realizing how limited we can be if we allow it.
I cherish who I was and I wonder who I will evolve into being. Grief feels so multi-level for me. Not only does it seem to pass through stages, it also appears to shift in between levels of depth and meaning. I'm sure we all experience grief in our own unique way. At times it's an incredibly powerful motivator and gift and at others it appears as an impassable blockage of the heart. How we recognize, acknowledge and appreciate our grief is definitely our own. It can be the difference between cherishing the life we have and staying stuck in the depths of our pain.
I don't like being forced into changing yet I know change would not happen for me if I was just given a choice. Grief like change of any kind takes on the energy that we give it. For me, I choose to honor, feel and appreciate all that comes with grief and know I will become uniquely empowered because of it.
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