I have often heard the question: "How can God let so many bad things happen?". Years of my life were spent attempting to make sense of this question. Now I have an understanding about painful events in our lives and God's role in it. I believe strongly that all of the events of our life create who we become. I have felt a peace come over me after some very painful events in my life. It has become clear that grace is offered, and often clearly seen, during the most difficult of times. If our lives were without pain, how could we fully appreciate grace?
Since I am far more spiritual than I am religious, I choose not to debate doctrine. I do think about malicious violence in the world and how to process such behavior. Do we blame an element, an energy, a being or do we face what the dark side of life can ignite? Abandonment, neglect, abuse and trauma of all sorts can transform even the strongest of people. Suddenly the world we came to trust, understand and make sense of is spun and uprooted in a way that forever changes how we perceive ourselves and those around us.
We do have choices in how we proceed from pain. Do we withdraw? Do we lash out? Do we decide that because life is not how we knew it to be, we are now not going to play the game of life anymore? I've known more people than I care to count who have taken their own lives. I don't pretend to understand the emotions and reasons that led them to that place. I understand my form of grief and my times with depression.
I think it's pretty clear that there are no easy answers in life. There are answers or guidance that come often after excruciating agony, seeming unyielding grief or anger. For me it seems that the feeling, the energy, the knowing of God comes to me when I question the most. I have changed my question from why does it happen to what does this mean for me.
I remember an episode of the television show Touched by an Angel which looked at the issue of the holocaust during World War II. The atheist's question was: "What was God doing during the time of such misery?" The angel's response was: "He was weeping for his children". I remember finding comfort in that show. Nowhere was the violence of that time discounted or the wounds of such injustice dismissed. The acknowledgement that God would experience grief seemed meaningful to me.
My belief for a long time was that God was beyond emotions, especially painful ones. I interpreted that to mean that for me no emotion should be felt because to do so was to be different from God. It's interesting how rigid my beliefs were even though I was not raised in religion. Perhaps my lack of fellowship and connection as a young person caused me to bring such harshness upon myself.
Today I believe that God is a presence, an energy that guides my life in a different way than how I believed when I was younger. It began with grief for me. I came to understand that nothing and no one is forever. I am pained by suffering and hope that all of those around me can leave this world with the least amount of pain possible. As my beloved animals have died, I came to feel a deep appreciation for them and all that they gave me. My sadness reduced dramatically when they seemed to be no longer suffering.
Family deaths have been a bit different. I found myself wanting surrender and peace to come to those close to leaving their bodies. My frustration was about them fighting for what I felt was a battle more about ego than peace.
Loss in the form of trauma of all types has been a very different form of grief for me to process. I've seen military families forever changed from deployments, children forever wounded from violence and adults bewildered from the shock of understanding how the world they thought they came from was nothing like the reality. It's humbling, shocking, depressing and overwhelming to see the effects of life on this planet. It is also pretty phenomenal to see the rebirth of life after pain and destruction. To me, that process is grace. To know beyond all doubt that we are cherished children of the Divine is to know the most important truth of all. We are never, ever alone. We may struggle, question, doubt and deny but through it all I believe we are never alone. There is great comfort to me in that. Since I
believe God speaks to us in many forms, who's to say where our next message from God will be? Perhaps beyond the pain, the disappointments, the doubt, we can see the grace in our lives. Maybe grace can best be described as comfort, the soothing, nurturing, healing energy of God's love.
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