In the late Fall of last year I went for a series of acupuncture treatments. I was not new to this modality. Acupuncture helped me to handle sciatica along with many other issues throughout the years. This time was different. One of the acupuncturists suggested that they do scalp points to help with my neurological issues. This was a very bittersweet suggestion. Although the needles did help me to have broader peripheral vision and clearer focus, another pathway was unleashed. The panic from very early in my life was also opened, much like Pandora's box. Driving which I had done for over 3 decades suddenly became absolutely terrifying. I wasn't afraid of another car hitting me or some other vehicular issue. I just couldn't integrate all that I was now seeing. Another issue had occurred as well. My midline, or one's perception of the middle of one's own body, was changed. I just couldn't quite "find" midline.
To suddenly have panic when there was none at all is particularly disturbing. I just couldn't "make" myself suck up the fear. In the past when there was lots of traffic or a setting where there were many distractions, I could block most of the issues so I could still function. This time I was forced to face a side of myself I never knew was there. Because my traumatic brain injury affected my parietal lobes which affected spatial reasoning, it's actually pretty remarkable that I learned to drive at all much less feel comfortable doing it. Although the SPECT scan showed restricted blood flow in my brain, I had learned to cope with the issue. The acupuncture expanded my abilities and in doing so opened up absolute panic in processing certain things. Interestingly during my evaluation for vision therapy, it was determined that my midline was "off" yet many of my mechanical visual skills were in tact. It would seem to me that my terror from so many years ago has affected so much in my life to include the way I literally "see" the world. Vision therapy has given me several skills and tools to expand and integrate my visual processing. Physical therapy gave me something else.
I had seen a previous physical therapist who identified that I have a processing delay more significantly on my right side yet she totally missed how my neurological functioning was affected by fear. In so many ways, I appear "normal". I've had enough Feldenkrais, yoga, one on one exercise training, and spiritual guidance to "appear" much higher functioning in some ways than I actually am. Because my processing struggles tend to be outside of the verbal skill set, very few people notice my issues in most settings. It isn't until I'm asked to spatially interact with the world that the disabilities become clear. This combination of gifted and challenged is more common than most of us like to believe. We all want to fit in and for those of us who struggle in certain areas, we often have difficulty accepting help for something we've tried to hide most of our lives.
Yesterday when my husband and I went out together, I wanted to try driving. My current physical therapist, Emily, taught me how to reset my midline. Once I understood that, I was able to find my center and drive with little to no fear. I knew I had the ability to drive. I just needed to neurologically and emotionally remember how it all worked again. My husband who believes in me when often I question my abilities was right there "knowing" deep down that I had the ability in me all the time. Emily is a very gifted person. She is remarkably observant, kind, firm, and genuine. Because she took the time and the intention to "see" me for who I truly am she saw my challenges. Numerous times she's mentioned how subtle my struggles are and has acknowledged how much I work to improve my skills. It's not Emily's praise that touches me so deeply, it's her courage. Somewhere deep inside of this young woman's heart is a warrior. She works with people every day who have been wounded one way or another. Her desire to empower people to take back their independence is impressive. I'm sure not everyone appreciates her as I do. Wayne Dyer once said: "Some people will recognize us immediately, some will never see us." Emily "sees" deeper and more bravely than most. When I think of the people who have had the greatest impact on my life, I think of those who have chosen to "see" me for who I am. They are the ones whose own fear has not blocked their ability to see mine.
In the years I worked in the mental health field, I "saw" the effects of events that forever changed people's lives. In many cases I truly wondered how people were able to go on and for that matter even want to continue living. The courage I saw in these people was often hidden for a long time. They were not the obvious heroes we hear about. They were struggling, fearful, often lonely souls determined to make things different. As I reflect back on them, I see a huge mirror into myself. This round of acupuncture, despite my discontent for quite awhile, showed me how much courage I do have. It allowed me to see the faith I carry in my heart. As disturbing, unsettling, and downright terrifying as this experience has been, it showed me who I am at a very deep level. I am, some would say, damaged. There are parts of my functioning that just don't work right, or do they? Would I have been truly able to see the grace of God, the warrior within myself, and the love and support of others if I had not experienced struggle? The Divine is truly incredible. Because of my spiritual challenges, I have been allowed to see my spiritual strengths and for this I am forever grateful and changed.
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