I have taken a bit of time off from this blog to work on my healing in a new way. As my vision therapy has progressed, my path has led me to prisms and micro prisms. My nervous system adapts very quickly to change and although my optometrist understands that, there are clearly many folks in the world who do not. As I took my changing prescriptions to a local store, I began to see that those working really didn't seem to understand much beyond traditional allopathic medicine. My glasses do have some magnification but the primary purpose of both sets of my glasses is for the purpose of working with prisms and not traditional corrective lenses. My lenses are therapeutic. Knowing that my prescriptions change within two weeks, I don't order any type of coating because I know I won't ultimately have my lenses for very long at a time.
At first my glasses were appropriately adjusted so that the prisms were lined up correctly and at the same time I was told: "Well, you might want to stop back in a couple of months to get them re-adjusted", despite me clearly stating that I have experienced rapid changes in prescriptions. Even seeing the frequency of changes on the prescriptions didn't change the perspective offered by a manager of this company. What truly pushed my temper to the next level was another manager who told me that he had called my optometrist as well as the other vision therapy optometrist in town to verify prescriptions because even after having been told why yolk prisms are used was seemingly unconvinced of their significance! When I confronted him on the importance of prisms for head trauma and how prevalent this condition was these days, he still pushed for an allopathic/real doctor's evaluation. I clearly stated that my allopathic doctors had told me that there was nothing they could do for me and I was to live with my condition as it was.
I have had major improvements since beginning vision therapy. I have more energy, better concentration, focus, endurance and spatial awareness. These are things I haven't had most of my life! I have struggled, sacrificed and endured because I truly thought the allopathic world was all there was. Along with many others I truly believe there is a time for allopathic medicine which usually involves trauma/crisis situations. In regard to brain injuries, I strongly believe that the traditional means of intervention is limited at best. Vision therapy is amazing and could shift the functioning of many people if allowed to do so.
Health insurance does not pay for it but then again insurance rarely pays for massage, acupuncture or chiropractic and there is clear evidence to support their use as well. It puzzles me how in the aftermath of the Iraq Wars there is not more focus on options for head injury.
Head trauma can be very serious and leave life long challenges. It is so important to understand what options are available so that hope can be found and encouraged. For me, vision therapy has been an answer to a prayer. It has given me hope and a future far brighter than I ever expected.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
My understanding of God's influence
I have often heard the question: "How can God let so many bad things happen?". Years of my life were spent attempting to make sense of this question. Now I have an understanding about painful events in our lives and God's role in it. I believe strongly that all of the events of our life create who we become. I have felt a peace come over me after some very painful events in my life. It has become clear that grace is offered, and often clearly seen, during the most difficult of times. If our lives were without pain, how could we fully appreciate grace?
Since I am far more spiritual than I am religious, I choose not to debate doctrine. I do think about malicious violence in the world and how to process such behavior. Do we blame an element, an energy, a being or do we face what the dark side of life can ignite? Abandonment, neglect, abuse and trauma of all sorts can transform even the strongest of people. Suddenly the world we came to trust, understand and make sense of is spun and uprooted in a way that forever changes how we perceive ourselves and those around us.
We do have choices in how we proceed from pain. Do we withdraw? Do we lash out? Do we decide that because life is not how we knew it to be, we are now not going to play the game of life anymore? I've known more people than I care to count who have taken their own lives. I don't pretend to understand the emotions and reasons that led them to that place. I understand my form of grief and my times with depression.
I think it's pretty clear that there are no easy answers in life. There are answers or guidance that come often after excruciating agony, seeming unyielding grief or anger. For me it seems that the feeling, the energy, the knowing of God comes to me when I question the most. I have changed my question from why does it happen to what does this mean for me.
I remember an episode of the television show Touched by an Angel which looked at the issue of the holocaust during World War II. The atheist's question was: "What was God doing during the time of such misery?" The angel's response was: "He was weeping for his children". I remember finding comfort in that show. Nowhere was the violence of that time discounted or the wounds of such injustice dismissed. The acknowledgement that God would experience grief seemed meaningful to me.
My belief for a long time was that God was beyond emotions, especially painful ones. I interpreted that to mean that for me no emotion should be felt because to do so was to be different from God. It's interesting how rigid my beliefs were even though I was not raised in religion. Perhaps my lack of fellowship and connection as a young person caused me to bring such harshness upon myself.
Today I believe that God is a presence, an energy that guides my life in a different way than how I believed when I was younger. It began with grief for me. I came to understand that nothing and no one is forever. I am pained by suffering and hope that all of those around me can leave this world with the least amount of pain possible. As my beloved animals have died, I came to feel a deep appreciation for them and all that they gave me. My sadness reduced dramatically when they seemed to be no longer suffering.
Family deaths have been a bit different. I found myself wanting surrender and peace to come to those close to leaving their bodies. My frustration was about them fighting for what I felt was a battle more about ego than peace.
Loss in the form of trauma of all types has been a very different form of grief for me to process. I've seen military families forever changed from deployments, children forever wounded from violence and adults bewildered from the shock of understanding how the world they thought they came from was nothing like the reality. It's humbling, shocking, depressing and overwhelming to see the effects of life on this planet. It is also pretty phenomenal to see the rebirth of life after pain and destruction. To me, that process is grace. To know beyond all doubt that we are cherished children of the Divine is to know the most important truth of all. We are never, ever alone. We may struggle, question, doubt and deny but through it all I believe we are never alone. There is great comfort to me in that. Since I
believe God speaks to us in many forms, who's to say where our next message from God will be? Perhaps beyond the pain, the disappointments, the doubt, we can see the grace in our lives. Maybe grace can best be described as comfort, the soothing, nurturing, healing energy of God's love.
Since I am far more spiritual than I am religious, I choose not to debate doctrine. I do think about malicious violence in the world and how to process such behavior. Do we blame an element, an energy, a being or do we face what the dark side of life can ignite? Abandonment, neglect, abuse and trauma of all sorts can transform even the strongest of people. Suddenly the world we came to trust, understand and make sense of is spun and uprooted in a way that forever changes how we perceive ourselves and those around us.
We do have choices in how we proceed from pain. Do we withdraw? Do we lash out? Do we decide that because life is not how we knew it to be, we are now not going to play the game of life anymore? I've known more people than I care to count who have taken their own lives. I don't pretend to understand the emotions and reasons that led them to that place. I understand my form of grief and my times with depression.
I think it's pretty clear that there are no easy answers in life. There are answers or guidance that come often after excruciating agony, seeming unyielding grief or anger. For me it seems that the feeling, the energy, the knowing of God comes to me when I question the most. I have changed my question from why does it happen to what does this mean for me.
I remember an episode of the television show Touched by an Angel which looked at the issue of the holocaust during World War II. The atheist's question was: "What was God doing during the time of such misery?" The angel's response was: "He was weeping for his children". I remember finding comfort in that show. Nowhere was the violence of that time discounted or the wounds of such injustice dismissed. The acknowledgement that God would experience grief seemed meaningful to me.
My belief for a long time was that God was beyond emotions, especially painful ones. I interpreted that to mean that for me no emotion should be felt because to do so was to be different from God. It's interesting how rigid my beliefs were even though I was not raised in religion. Perhaps my lack of fellowship and connection as a young person caused me to bring such harshness upon myself.
Today I believe that God is a presence, an energy that guides my life in a different way than how I believed when I was younger. It began with grief for me. I came to understand that nothing and no one is forever. I am pained by suffering and hope that all of those around me can leave this world with the least amount of pain possible. As my beloved animals have died, I came to feel a deep appreciation for them and all that they gave me. My sadness reduced dramatically when they seemed to be no longer suffering.
Family deaths have been a bit different. I found myself wanting surrender and peace to come to those close to leaving their bodies. My frustration was about them fighting for what I felt was a battle more about ego than peace.
Loss in the form of trauma of all types has been a very different form of grief for me to process. I've seen military families forever changed from deployments, children forever wounded from violence and adults bewildered from the shock of understanding how the world they thought they came from was nothing like the reality. It's humbling, shocking, depressing and overwhelming to see the effects of life on this planet. It is also pretty phenomenal to see the rebirth of life after pain and destruction. To me, that process is grace. To know beyond all doubt that we are cherished children of the Divine is to know the most important truth of all. We are never, ever alone. We may struggle, question, doubt and deny but through it all I believe we are never alone. There is great comfort to me in that. Since I
believe God speaks to us in many forms, who's to say where our next message from God will be? Perhaps beyond the pain, the disappointments, the doubt, we can see the grace in our lives. Maybe grace can best be described as comfort, the soothing, nurturing, healing energy of God's love.
Friday, November 6, 2015
The world will never be the same
I've heard people say that when someone close to you dies, you are never the same. Many people and animals have left this world and I am left to ponder their impressions on my life. I miss their physical presence yet appreciate their time on this earth has passed. In some ways the era that included them still lingers within me. Who I was at that time and my experiences because of it keep my memories fresh. Transitioning to who I am now in a new way is sometimes where I struggle.
I have a friend who tried to be gentle in telling me that my mannerisms and words are very reflective of my Northeastern background. He quickly added: "Not that that's a bad thing." He did his best to compliment my fire and acknowledge that some parts of me are just me at my core. I wonder if some of who I appear to be at my core is partly a shadow of my life with those who have passed. How much am I still my father's child? Are the dogs of my past still influencing my behaviors right now? Is the love I shared with my potbelly pig still affecting the way I see pets and pet pigs in general? Am I a different person because of the time I spent enjoying my horse Jazz?
I'm sure that we all are a combination of experiences and wisdom brought about by past moments. My curiosity is about who affected what and how much of my loneliness is brought about by being forced into an era that is without those of the past who I loved so much. I'm not angry about the loss of those I loved. I'm tired and struggling with adapting to new moments. It's not that I don't wish to grow as a person. It feels more like I keep pushing more and more into unknown territory.
Maybe that's part of why we all endure grief to one degree or another, to push past what is uncomfortable to us. I appreciate a lot of our technological world but I miss writing snail mail. I love that my experience of the world is broader and richer than it used to be yet I still miss what used to be perceived as safe and small. I guess grief has many gifts, not least of which is to push us into seeking new experiences and realizing how limited we can be if we allow it.
I cherish who I was and I wonder who I will evolve into being. Grief feels so multi-level for me. Not only does it seem to pass through stages, it also appears to shift in between levels of depth and meaning. I'm sure we all experience grief in our own unique way. At times it's an incredibly powerful motivator and gift and at others it appears as an impassable blockage of the heart. How we recognize, acknowledge and appreciate our grief is definitely our own. It can be the difference between cherishing the life we have and staying stuck in the depths of our pain.
I don't like being forced into changing yet I know change would not happen for me if I was just given a choice. Grief like change of any kind takes on the energy that we give it. For me, I choose to honor, feel and appreciate all that comes with grief and know I will become uniquely empowered because of it.
I have a friend who tried to be gentle in telling me that my mannerisms and words are very reflective of my Northeastern background. He quickly added: "Not that that's a bad thing." He did his best to compliment my fire and acknowledge that some parts of me are just me at my core. I wonder if some of who I appear to be at my core is partly a shadow of my life with those who have passed. How much am I still my father's child? Are the dogs of my past still influencing my behaviors right now? Is the love I shared with my potbelly pig still affecting the way I see pets and pet pigs in general? Am I a different person because of the time I spent enjoying my horse Jazz?
I'm sure that we all are a combination of experiences and wisdom brought about by past moments. My curiosity is about who affected what and how much of my loneliness is brought about by being forced into an era that is without those of the past who I loved so much. I'm not angry about the loss of those I loved. I'm tired and struggling with adapting to new moments. It's not that I don't wish to grow as a person. It feels more like I keep pushing more and more into unknown territory.
Maybe that's part of why we all endure grief to one degree or another, to push past what is uncomfortable to us. I appreciate a lot of our technological world but I miss writing snail mail. I love that my experience of the world is broader and richer than it used to be yet I still miss what used to be perceived as safe and small. I guess grief has many gifts, not least of which is to push us into seeking new experiences and realizing how limited we can be if we allow it.
I cherish who I was and I wonder who I will evolve into being. Grief feels so multi-level for me. Not only does it seem to pass through stages, it also appears to shift in between levels of depth and meaning. I'm sure we all experience grief in our own unique way. At times it's an incredibly powerful motivator and gift and at others it appears as an impassable blockage of the heart. How we recognize, acknowledge and appreciate our grief is definitely our own. It can be the difference between cherishing the life we have and staying stuck in the depths of our pain.
I don't like being forced into changing yet I know change would not happen for me if I was just given a choice. Grief like change of any kind takes on the energy that we give it. For me, I choose to honor, feel and appreciate all that comes with grief and know I will become uniquely empowered because of it.
It's possible!
Les Brown, motivator speaker, has often referred to the phrase: "It's possible!" in his many stimulating presentations. Les' belief is that if you have a dream that you need to follow it because only you can bring out your own unique gifts and talents. Being disabled and gifted is a very bittersweet combination. Sometimes I want so much to pursue my dreams and often I am stopped, at least momentarily, by a challenge I don't know how to handle. It's really not about being unmotivated but rather feeling misunderstood and frustrated.
My ongoing challenge has been to find the missing link to my continued healing. After all of the shifts in nutrition, supplements, homeopathic remedies and alternative services, I find myself with a staggering truth. My brain, the center of all of my impressions and understandings, doesn't feel safe. I am on sensory overload in one form or another all the time. Although this situation is written about in certain research, very few people understand what it's like to be on guard all the time in one form or another.
Recently I met a man who also has traumatic brain injuries and post traumatic stress disorder. He is a practitioner and one whose honesty and integrity intrigues me. I will be meeting with him later this week because he specializes in working with helping the brain and body of his clients feel safe. If safety is felt, then the body can make remarkable shifts towards healing.
I heard my words as I spoke to him on the phone. I talked about my brain enduring so much stress, grief, fear, and anger. When I mentioned compassion, patience, and allowing myself the time I need to heal I felt comforted. Sometimes this world demands us to be something we are not. Frequently we are expected to appear calm when we're terrified; happy when we're depressed and motivated when we're exhausted. We get so used to appearing one way and deeply feeling another that our incongruence begins to take on a life all its own. We lose touch with who we are at our deepest levels.
We are not beings capable of lying to ourselves without consequence. Sooner or later our masks fall off and we come face to face with our deepest emotions. The raw edge of feeling can be completely overwhelming especially if we have never learned to allow our weaknesses, our imperfections and our pain to be expressed and honored.
As I take the next steps in my healing I feel immensely grateful for those in my life who don't run from my intensity, my sensitivity, and my unique blend of gift and challenge. The pain of being dismissed, misunderstood, criticized and belittled leaves deep scars throughout my being yet I am not consumed by them anymore. I do see beyond them and look forward to honoring and learning from the lessons my scars have to teach.
My ongoing challenge has been to find the missing link to my continued healing. After all of the shifts in nutrition, supplements, homeopathic remedies and alternative services, I find myself with a staggering truth. My brain, the center of all of my impressions and understandings, doesn't feel safe. I am on sensory overload in one form or another all the time. Although this situation is written about in certain research, very few people understand what it's like to be on guard all the time in one form or another.
Recently I met a man who also has traumatic brain injuries and post traumatic stress disorder. He is a practitioner and one whose honesty and integrity intrigues me. I will be meeting with him later this week because he specializes in working with helping the brain and body of his clients feel safe. If safety is felt, then the body can make remarkable shifts towards healing.
I heard my words as I spoke to him on the phone. I talked about my brain enduring so much stress, grief, fear, and anger. When I mentioned compassion, patience, and allowing myself the time I need to heal I felt comforted. Sometimes this world demands us to be something we are not. Frequently we are expected to appear calm when we're terrified; happy when we're depressed and motivated when we're exhausted. We get so used to appearing one way and deeply feeling another that our incongruence begins to take on a life all its own. We lose touch with who we are at our deepest levels.
We are not beings capable of lying to ourselves without consequence. Sooner or later our masks fall off and we come face to face with our deepest emotions. The raw edge of feeling can be completely overwhelming especially if we have never learned to allow our weaknesses, our imperfections and our pain to be expressed and honored.
As I take the next steps in my healing I feel immensely grateful for those in my life who don't run from my intensity, my sensitivity, and my unique blend of gift and challenge. The pain of being dismissed, misunderstood, criticized and belittled leaves deep scars throughout my being yet I am not consumed by them anymore. I do see beyond them and look forward to honoring and learning from the lessons my scars have to teach.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Neglect vs Abuse
It's curious to me that many people believe that abuse is worse than neglect. The belief is often based on the perception that neglect is merely not giving another what they need in terms of basics in life. I would debate that. Neglect also involves negating the significance or even the existence of another. Abuse is usually active be it physical or mental. As painful as it is, it does in some bizarre manner acknowledge another. Neglect on the other hand does not.
It's very significant to me that most of the people who neglected me did not mean to do so. I'm not justifying their actions. I'm saying that I truly do not believe they meant to be hurtful in any way. I believe I was an incredibly sensitive child who was ever so demanding because I felt things so very deeply. I didn't understand myself or how to interact with the world. My traumatic brain injury caused me to struggle in so many areas and my emotional sensitivity was often perceived as needy and excessive. Although I isolated and withdrew in school during my early days, I learned to behave and respond as others did to some degree as I got older. My emotional struggles I buried deeper and deeper within myself.
Depression and anxiety were feelings I knew very well and most of the time I didn't understand why I had them. It has taken a very long time for me to understand how much I was emotionally deprived in my life. I didn't realize that expression of feelings comes from being taught how to interact and feeling safe enough to say what is most painful. Grief was something that has been very prevalent in my life and just as I was processing one loss I seemed to have another and yet another.
Being around someone with disabilities is a challenge. Depending on the type of disabilities and the coping styles of both the one with the challenge and those around them, life can be very nourishing or excruciatingly painful and exhausting. For me, frustration was my initial reaction to almost everything. I remember wanting so desperately to explain how I was feeling and being met with: "You're just too sensitive. You need to just get over it." I truly think my depression and anxiety were the few outlets to my frustration. I either felt overwhelmed and afraid or so angry that eventually I just turned it upon myself. My dissociation occurred because I was left with so few outlets for my feelings that the only place to go was literally somewhere else!
I didn't have explanations for why I was so sensitive either as a child or for a large part of my adulthood. I wanted to be as seemingly unaffected as others by life and I just could not be! I was sensitive, super sensitive! I felt deep emotions to nature, the animals, the slightest turn of phrase, and sarcasm in any form. I tried to be sarcastic and callous. All that got me was worsening depression. I tried to isolate and withdraw from all that was in the world. I learned that is not life and it most certainly is not living.
As my emotions manifested into physical conditions, no one in the allopathic world realized I had been a neglected child. People in the helping professions tried to talk to me about who I was and what I had been through but they never understood the TBI piece and therefore assumed that they understood how I felt and that their painful paths were just like mine. The loneliness of being a survivor of trauma was made worse because often people believe all trauma, just like all disabilities, are alike. I would disagreed on both counts.
Each of us is unique. Our journeys are very much our own. When others assume they know what we are thinking and feeling it may be coming from a very loving place, but often the perception is dead wrong. Feeling dismissed, unheard, unvalued and worthless are ultimately, to me anyway, spiritual issues in need of addressing. The pain of living in a society of those who don't or can't understand is often the journey we must travel to reach spiritual understanding. The pain of life for me is not without meaning. Whether any human can truly appreciate me or not, I know God can. This is not a discussion of religion but rather spirituality. An acquaintance of mine used to say: "You think you're more bad than God is good." I will reframe that to say: "I see good in myself because God does. No matter my path, God can love me and see me for all that I am and all that I will become."
It's very significant to me that most of the people who neglected me did not mean to do so. I'm not justifying their actions. I'm saying that I truly do not believe they meant to be hurtful in any way. I believe I was an incredibly sensitive child who was ever so demanding because I felt things so very deeply. I didn't understand myself or how to interact with the world. My traumatic brain injury caused me to struggle in so many areas and my emotional sensitivity was often perceived as needy and excessive. Although I isolated and withdrew in school during my early days, I learned to behave and respond as others did to some degree as I got older. My emotional struggles I buried deeper and deeper within myself.
Depression and anxiety were feelings I knew very well and most of the time I didn't understand why I had them. It has taken a very long time for me to understand how much I was emotionally deprived in my life. I didn't realize that expression of feelings comes from being taught how to interact and feeling safe enough to say what is most painful. Grief was something that has been very prevalent in my life and just as I was processing one loss I seemed to have another and yet another.
Being around someone with disabilities is a challenge. Depending on the type of disabilities and the coping styles of both the one with the challenge and those around them, life can be very nourishing or excruciatingly painful and exhausting. For me, frustration was my initial reaction to almost everything. I remember wanting so desperately to explain how I was feeling and being met with: "You're just too sensitive. You need to just get over it." I truly think my depression and anxiety were the few outlets to my frustration. I either felt overwhelmed and afraid or so angry that eventually I just turned it upon myself. My dissociation occurred because I was left with so few outlets for my feelings that the only place to go was literally somewhere else!
I didn't have explanations for why I was so sensitive either as a child or for a large part of my adulthood. I wanted to be as seemingly unaffected as others by life and I just could not be! I was sensitive, super sensitive! I felt deep emotions to nature, the animals, the slightest turn of phrase, and sarcasm in any form. I tried to be sarcastic and callous. All that got me was worsening depression. I tried to isolate and withdraw from all that was in the world. I learned that is not life and it most certainly is not living.
As my emotions manifested into physical conditions, no one in the allopathic world realized I had been a neglected child. People in the helping professions tried to talk to me about who I was and what I had been through but they never understood the TBI piece and therefore assumed that they understood how I felt and that their painful paths were just like mine. The loneliness of being a survivor of trauma was made worse because often people believe all trauma, just like all disabilities, are alike. I would disagreed on both counts.
Each of us is unique. Our journeys are very much our own. When others assume they know what we are thinking and feeling it may be coming from a very loving place, but often the perception is dead wrong. Feeling dismissed, unheard, unvalued and worthless are ultimately, to me anyway, spiritual issues in need of addressing. The pain of living in a society of those who don't or can't understand is often the journey we must travel to reach spiritual understanding. The pain of life for me is not without meaning. Whether any human can truly appreciate me or not, I know God can. This is not a discussion of religion but rather spirituality. An acquaintance of mine used to say: "You think you're more bad than God is good." I will reframe that to say: "I see good in myself because God does. No matter my path, God can love me and see me for all that I am and all that I will become."
Sunday, August 9, 2015
So subtle and yet so powerful
As I sat pondering my current adrenal challenges, I decided to reflect on what issues in my life were recurring. I can look back on my life and realize that my disabilities have confused many situations. Although I was raised in the Northeast where sarcasm is rampant, I was often with people who didn't want or need me to process certain things emotionally. Being bright, I could pass for understanding when often I didn't. Brazen cruelty and maliciousness were so confusing to me. Violence in word and deed just didn't make sense to me. I became judgmental as a child to survive and as I grew older I did my best to change my judgment to discernment. There were insecurities and fears that others had that I just didn't understand. Spirituality to me was a comfort and to me many faiths held meaning for me so a lot of the controversy over who was right was so hostile that it seemed to just go right over my head.
I think that I have often wanted to believe people who were less than honest in their actions because I just didn't quite get why anyone wouldn't be. It took a long time for me to understand that certain people are emotionally unable to be truthful. Obvious dishonesty was something I understood long before subtle dishonesty. Gaslighting is a form of mental manipulation that happens often to bright people who want to believe the best in others. It's a very subtle form of control that can do incredible damage to self esteem.
When I was younger I used to see pictures of people who were labeled abused. At the time I thought, like what many people did, abuse was physical and horrific. Even now I still struggle with the concept of mental/psychological/emotional abuse. Dominance and disrespect can run a huge continuum. Often control is not derived from physically intimidating someone. It's often slowly and underhandedly done, little by little. Rarely have I ever been physically threatened. When I was, I understood quickly why and what it meant. Gaslighting was a whole different thing.
I remember seeing individuals wanting desperately to see the best in someone, even those who continued to belittle, humiliate, and dismiss them on a regular basis. The mental health field can often identify obvious control and then has rather rigid beliefs about who does what to whom and how it should be addressed. I don't tend to agree that situations are that clear cut. Often people, like myself, are in situations where the expectation and the reality are very very different. What people observe is NOT what is actually going on in families, work places, social and spiritual settings. Appearances are often just that. They frequently are set up to mask what is actually occurring.
Many of the traumatic moments in my life were obvious and even if the situation wasn't particularly respected, the magnitude was acknowledged. Gaslighting is different. It occurs behind closed doors. It is progressive and just like a toxic tumor it can overtake all of who you believed you were. Labels are interesting and it's very much a choice in how significant we make the labels in our lives. Whether we are labeled "good, bad, artistic, sloppy, organized, gifted, stupid, slow, bright, ambitious, lazy, correct, wrong, worthy, or impressive" has often absolutely nothing to do with who we are at our core. Assumptions, appearances, much like impressions are easily created and modified.
Gaslighting is about slowly shifting how we see ourselves both inwardly and outwardly. I was once told that I was a poor communicator even though it's pretty clear I've communicated quite successfully most of my life. I doubted myself. Gaslighting does that. It plants doubts, fears, insecurities and concerns about who we are. For me it is the absolute opposite of spiritual faith. Faith builds us up, supports us, reminds us of who we are at our deepest levels. It quiets fears, doubts, and worries. Gaslighting ignites them.
Being labeled as abused is so painfully bittersweet to me. I have experienced abuse but I don't wish to label myself "abused". My experiences make up part of my reality but they don't define it. Part of me feels ashamed that my naivety allowed very painful things to occur in my life. Another side feels blessed that as awful as some of these times were, they gave me perspective and wisdom that I would not have otherwise acquired.
When I was young, I always wanted to learn what I needed to know. Maybe it was my way of wanting to feels safe. I so wanted others to feel what I felt and be honest enough to express it. That rarely occurred as a young child. As an adult, I treasure the people who acknowledge their humanity and their frailties as a human being. These are the people who I tend to trust and respect. Perhaps the main reason that I am so spiritual is because when I look around at all of the confusion in the world, I need something to help me find my truth. For me faith does that. When I connect to the Divine, I find a peace and a knowing that doesn't come to me from anywhere else. I find comfort in different sources but none as complete and as gentle and as genuine as the Divine.
My life has been filled with many experiences that I need to grieve and process, often many times over. Somehow through it all, I found a light. I found a connection that was greater than all the pain and all the confusion. Now it's about picking up the pieces, honoring them, and keeping only what serves me for no one on the outside can define who I truly am.
I think that I have often wanted to believe people who were less than honest in their actions because I just didn't quite get why anyone wouldn't be. It took a long time for me to understand that certain people are emotionally unable to be truthful. Obvious dishonesty was something I understood long before subtle dishonesty. Gaslighting is a form of mental manipulation that happens often to bright people who want to believe the best in others. It's a very subtle form of control that can do incredible damage to self esteem.
When I was younger I used to see pictures of people who were labeled abused. At the time I thought, like what many people did, abuse was physical and horrific. Even now I still struggle with the concept of mental/psychological/emotional abuse. Dominance and disrespect can run a huge continuum. Often control is not derived from physically intimidating someone. It's often slowly and underhandedly done, little by little. Rarely have I ever been physically threatened. When I was, I understood quickly why and what it meant. Gaslighting was a whole different thing.
I remember seeing individuals wanting desperately to see the best in someone, even those who continued to belittle, humiliate, and dismiss them on a regular basis. The mental health field can often identify obvious control and then has rather rigid beliefs about who does what to whom and how it should be addressed. I don't tend to agree that situations are that clear cut. Often people, like myself, are in situations where the expectation and the reality are very very different. What people observe is NOT what is actually going on in families, work places, social and spiritual settings. Appearances are often just that. They frequently are set up to mask what is actually occurring.
Many of the traumatic moments in my life were obvious and even if the situation wasn't particularly respected, the magnitude was acknowledged. Gaslighting is different. It occurs behind closed doors. It is progressive and just like a toxic tumor it can overtake all of who you believed you were. Labels are interesting and it's very much a choice in how significant we make the labels in our lives. Whether we are labeled "good, bad, artistic, sloppy, organized, gifted, stupid, slow, bright, ambitious, lazy, correct, wrong, worthy, or impressive" has often absolutely nothing to do with who we are at our core. Assumptions, appearances, much like impressions are easily created and modified.
Gaslighting is about slowly shifting how we see ourselves both inwardly and outwardly. I was once told that I was a poor communicator even though it's pretty clear I've communicated quite successfully most of my life. I doubted myself. Gaslighting does that. It plants doubts, fears, insecurities and concerns about who we are. For me it is the absolute opposite of spiritual faith. Faith builds us up, supports us, reminds us of who we are at our deepest levels. It quiets fears, doubts, and worries. Gaslighting ignites them.
Being labeled as abused is so painfully bittersweet to me. I have experienced abuse but I don't wish to label myself "abused". My experiences make up part of my reality but they don't define it. Part of me feels ashamed that my naivety allowed very painful things to occur in my life. Another side feels blessed that as awful as some of these times were, they gave me perspective and wisdom that I would not have otherwise acquired.
When I was young, I always wanted to learn what I needed to know. Maybe it was my way of wanting to feels safe. I so wanted others to feel what I felt and be honest enough to express it. That rarely occurred as a young child. As an adult, I treasure the people who acknowledge their humanity and their frailties as a human being. These are the people who I tend to trust and respect. Perhaps the main reason that I am so spiritual is because when I look around at all of the confusion in the world, I need something to help me find my truth. For me faith does that. When I connect to the Divine, I find a peace and a knowing that doesn't come to me from anywhere else. I find comfort in different sources but none as complete and as gentle and as genuine as the Divine.
My life has been filled with many experiences that I need to grieve and process, often many times over. Somehow through it all, I found a light. I found a connection that was greater than all the pain and all the confusion. Now it's about picking up the pieces, honoring them, and keeping only what serves me for no one on the outside can define who I truly am.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
And you're a doctor?
As I sat dazed and confused in yet another specialist's office today, I came to a conclusion on an issue that I have pondered. I decided that today's visit was with a doctor who honestly believed what he said. He truly believed that none of my stress, traumatic brain injury, or genetic glitches mattered. He truly thought that my diet was the cause of all of my challenges. The fact that I didn't consume any of the foods that he mentioned was apparently beside the point. I don't drink soda, any soda, and haven't for years. This fact seems to puzzle doctors especially those who see case after case of health issues related to eating high sugar/highly processsed foods. It seems inconceivable to many doctors who believe this way that traumatic stress could damage the endocrine system significantly or that head trauma could unbalance the major hormones of the body.
I listened, though reluctantly, to a doctor who prided himself on taking a drug to lower his already normal cholesterol even though there is significant research that offers a different perspective. Inflammation, aggravated by stress along with numerous other things, is being shown more and more to be a major indicator of illness. My inflammation level has been elevated for years. Because of my years of elevated stress along with the long term effects of my traumatic brain damage, I have had quite a hit to my adrenal glands which I believe are contributing to my array of symptoms. As I search more and more for natural answers to my challenges, I am sad to say I am seeing a very disturbing pattern.
More and more medical professionals are not only not talking about the effects of trauma but they are out and out denying it. When I asked this specialist about the effect of stress on someone's health, his response was: "It's minimal at best." I almost could not believe what I had heard! Is anyone truly so vain that they would walk up to anyone with traumatic brain damage and say: "Yea, so that war, abuse, humiliation, beating, neglect thing, it doesn't matter. Just suck it up." Stress, if prolonged and/or severe enough, can tax the adrenal glands to the degree that they stop working entirely and then hormones need to be replaced for the rest of one's life. To suggest that the pain of trauma is a minor disruption is to be closed off from the reality that is! Trauma is real! It's life altering! It disrupts our body in a myriad of ways and to be blind to it is nothing short of criminal in my opinion!
I have almost given up the concept of a family doctor who knew the history of his/her patients, their families, and the stresses of life. I don't expect a visit with a psychologist when I see a physician, but I do expect that my trauma which has forever changed my life not be overlooked! It's painfully clear that human suffering is often dismissed in a way that seems quite beyond humane! The medical profession is so divided into specialties that few doctors even have a basic understanding or appreciation of head trauma and its prevalence in our society.
I remember seeing a poster that showed different faces of people of various ages and ethnicities with the caption of "what alcoholism looks like". It stays as a very powerful part of my memory. The arrogance and ignorance of believing that someone, anyone, knows what disabilities look like takes me somewhere deep into my own rage. Invisible disabilities are everywhere. Just because there is not a cane, a wheelchair or a walker does NOT mean there is not a disability! How dare anyone be so conceited as to determine the worthiness of disability based on age, gender, ethnicity, military service, or physical size!
The US is now a country that is seeing very young veterans returning home disabled. This is not the first time in history when this has occurred. Veterans of another time are often shocked to see the results of those coming back from down range. Civilians disabled by the abuse, addictions, and mental illness of others is a nasty blemish on the perfect American dream. Those of us who are forever changed by the behavior of others have been silenced for too long, least of which is by the medical professionals trained to supposedly help us! Enough!
I am aware of the Hippocratic oath which seems to be lost somewhere in the chaos of insurance, pharmaceuticals, office appointments, arrogance, and entitlement. There are some genuinely kind and compassionate physicians for whom I am most grateful. As for those, both medical and non medical persons, who choose to believe that they know all of what is wrong with another without even considering the traumatic side of life, I wish you insight. I wish you compassion and in order to do so, I must find a place inside for my own compassion to grow. Perhaps my own arrogance has limited my ability to see the compassion in others, if so, I sincerely apologize. If not, I seek to offer a different perspective and one that needs to be seen, heard, and felt. Let us take time to acknowledge the pain in another and that does not happen by assuming we already know.
http://www.sott.net/article/242516-Heart-surgeon-speaks-out-on-what-really-causes-heart-disease
http://www.nih.gov/news/pr/sep2002/nichd-09.htm
I listened, though reluctantly, to a doctor who prided himself on taking a drug to lower his already normal cholesterol even though there is significant research that offers a different perspective. Inflammation, aggravated by stress along with numerous other things, is being shown more and more to be a major indicator of illness. My inflammation level has been elevated for years. Because of my years of elevated stress along with the long term effects of my traumatic brain damage, I have had quite a hit to my adrenal glands which I believe are contributing to my array of symptoms. As I search more and more for natural answers to my challenges, I am sad to say I am seeing a very disturbing pattern.
More and more medical professionals are not only not talking about the effects of trauma but they are out and out denying it. When I asked this specialist about the effect of stress on someone's health, his response was: "It's minimal at best." I almost could not believe what I had heard! Is anyone truly so vain that they would walk up to anyone with traumatic brain damage and say: "Yea, so that war, abuse, humiliation, beating, neglect thing, it doesn't matter. Just suck it up." Stress, if prolonged and/or severe enough, can tax the adrenal glands to the degree that they stop working entirely and then hormones need to be replaced for the rest of one's life. To suggest that the pain of trauma is a minor disruption is to be closed off from the reality that is! Trauma is real! It's life altering! It disrupts our body in a myriad of ways and to be blind to it is nothing short of criminal in my opinion!
I have almost given up the concept of a family doctor who knew the history of his/her patients, their families, and the stresses of life. I don't expect a visit with a psychologist when I see a physician, but I do expect that my trauma which has forever changed my life not be overlooked! It's painfully clear that human suffering is often dismissed in a way that seems quite beyond humane! The medical profession is so divided into specialties that few doctors even have a basic understanding or appreciation of head trauma and its prevalence in our society.
I remember seeing a poster that showed different faces of people of various ages and ethnicities with the caption of "what alcoholism looks like". It stays as a very powerful part of my memory. The arrogance and ignorance of believing that someone, anyone, knows what disabilities look like takes me somewhere deep into my own rage. Invisible disabilities are everywhere. Just because there is not a cane, a wheelchair or a walker does NOT mean there is not a disability! How dare anyone be so conceited as to determine the worthiness of disability based on age, gender, ethnicity, military service, or physical size!
The US is now a country that is seeing very young veterans returning home disabled. This is not the first time in history when this has occurred. Veterans of another time are often shocked to see the results of those coming back from down range. Civilians disabled by the abuse, addictions, and mental illness of others is a nasty blemish on the perfect American dream. Those of us who are forever changed by the behavior of others have been silenced for too long, least of which is by the medical professionals trained to supposedly help us! Enough!
I am aware of the Hippocratic oath which seems to be lost somewhere in the chaos of insurance, pharmaceuticals, office appointments, arrogance, and entitlement. There are some genuinely kind and compassionate physicians for whom I am most grateful. As for those, both medical and non medical persons, who choose to believe that they know all of what is wrong with another without even considering the traumatic side of life, I wish you insight. I wish you compassion and in order to do so, I must find a place inside for my own compassion to grow. Perhaps my own arrogance has limited my ability to see the compassion in others, if so, I sincerely apologize. If not, I seek to offer a different perspective and one that needs to be seen, heard, and felt. Let us take time to acknowledge the pain in another and that does not happen by assuming we already know.
http://www.sott.net/article/242516-Heart-surgeon-speaks-out-on-what-really-causes-heart-disease
http://www.nih.gov/news/pr/sep2002/nichd-09.htm
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