As I sat pondering my current adrenal challenges, I decided to reflect on what issues in my life were recurring. I can look back on my life and realize that my disabilities have confused many situations. Although I was raised in the Northeast where sarcasm is rampant, I was often with people who didn't want or need me to process certain things emotionally. Being bright, I could pass for understanding when often I didn't. Brazen cruelty and maliciousness were so confusing to me. Violence in word and deed just didn't make sense to me. I became judgmental as a child to survive and as I grew older I did my best to change my judgment to discernment. There were insecurities and fears that others had that I just didn't understand. Spirituality to me was a comfort and to me many faiths held meaning for me so a lot of the controversy over who was right was so hostile that it seemed to just go right over my head.
I think that I have often wanted to believe people who were less than honest in their actions because I just didn't quite get why anyone wouldn't be. It took a long time for me to understand that certain people are emotionally unable to be truthful. Obvious dishonesty was something I understood long before subtle dishonesty. Gaslighting is a form of mental manipulation that happens often to bright people who want to believe the best in others. It's a very subtle form of control that can do incredible damage to self esteem.
When I was younger I used to see pictures of people who were labeled abused. At the time I thought, like what many people did, abuse was physical and horrific. Even now I still struggle with the concept of mental/psychological/emotional abuse. Dominance and disrespect can run a huge continuum. Often control is not derived from physically intimidating someone. It's often slowly and underhandedly done, little by little. Rarely have I ever been physically threatened. When I was, I understood quickly why and what it meant. Gaslighting was a whole different thing.
I remember seeing individuals wanting desperately to see the best in someone, even those who continued to belittle, humiliate, and dismiss them on a regular basis. The mental health field can often identify obvious control and then has rather rigid beliefs about who does what to whom and how it should be addressed. I don't tend to agree that situations are that clear cut. Often people, like myself, are in situations where the expectation and the reality are very very different. What people observe is NOT what is actually going on in families, work places, social and spiritual settings. Appearances are often just that. They frequently are set up to mask what is actually occurring.
Many of the traumatic moments in my life were obvious and even if the situation wasn't particularly respected, the magnitude was acknowledged. Gaslighting is different. It occurs behind closed doors. It is progressive and just like a toxic tumor it can overtake all of who you believed you were. Labels are interesting and it's very much a choice in how significant we make the labels in our lives. Whether we are labeled "good, bad, artistic, sloppy, organized, gifted, stupid, slow, bright, ambitious, lazy, correct, wrong, worthy, or impressive" has often absolutely nothing to do with who we are at our core. Assumptions, appearances, much like impressions are easily created and modified.
Gaslighting is about slowly shifting how we see ourselves both inwardly and outwardly. I was once told that I was a poor communicator even though it's pretty clear I've communicated quite successfully most of my life. I doubted myself. Gaslighting does that. It plants doubts, fears, insecurities and concerns about who we are. For me it is the absolute opposite of spiritual faith. Faith builds us up, supports us, reminds us of who we are at our deepest levels. It quiets fears, doubts, and worries. Gaslighting ignites them.
Being labeled as abused is so painfully bittersweet to me. I have experienced abuse but I don't wish to label myself "abused". My experiences make up part of my reality but they don't define it. Part of me feels ashamed that my naivety allowed very painful things to occur in my life. Another side feels blessed that as awful as some of these times were, they gave me perspective and wisdom that I would not have otherwise acquired.
When I was young, I always wanted to learn what I needed to know. Maybe it was my way of wanting to feels safe. I so wanted others to feel what I felt and be honest enough to express it. That rarely occurred as a young child. As an adult, I treasure the people who acknowledge their humanity and their frailties as a human being. These are the people who I tend to trust and respect. Perhaps the main reason that I am so spiritual is because when I look around at all of the confusion in the world, I need something to help me find my truth. For me faith does that. When I connect to the Divine, I find a peace and a knowing that doesn't come to me from anywhere else. I find comfort in different sources but none as complete and as gentle and as genuine as the Divine.
My life has been filled with many experiences that I need to grieve and process, often many times over. Somehow through it all, I found a light. I found a connection that was greater than all the pain and all the confusion. Now it's about picking up the pieces, honoring them, and keeping only what serves me for no one on the outside can define who I truly am.
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