I was reading a friend's blog this morning, http://luminousblue5.com/, where she was talking about her feelings of grief. One of the most striking parts of her sharing was on how isolated she felt with some of her deepest feelings. It's not that she's lonely or even physically isolated, she's actually quite connected. The isolation she meant was about how some experiences in life are very uniquely our own. No one else can quite comprehend how these events have forever changed us. I can relate to her process.
Like many people I have experienced many losses yet there is one that is uniquely my own. I've had many discussions with people about the difference between losing something you once had vs never having it at all. This can be true for money, love, success, fame, functionality, pain, connection, spirituality and a host of others. Most of us, being the mortals we are, believe at a very primitive level that our experience is the most intense and for us, certainly it is. We know that our pain and heartache trumps others at some of the deepest parts of our being. To me, there is no way to compare experiences. Each of us have had the gambit of experiences that we call life.
As I have referred to earlier posts, I am unique in many ways. My perceptions of things are very similar to some and quite different from others. One of my differences is that I did not go through life as a high functioning person and then have my life fall into shambles because of an event. My experiences have almost always been bittersweet with a great deal of struggle. I am blessed to be bright and intuitive. A large portion of my struggles are due to damage to my brain. Seeing limitations in blood flow in parts of my brain, reduce volume, and thinning of matter explained in black and white print does not begin to express what it's like to live my life.
To add to this when practitioners learn that there was not one single event that caused it but rather a series of events that added to the damage, they seem unsure what to do with it. When they learn that my impairments are a combination of genetic and early childhood violence, they seem so stunned they can't move. In the years I worked in the mental health community, I saw violence. Whether it was veterans returning from war, survivors of family violence, or accidents that forever changed lives, the effects of trauma were everywhere. Trauma can be used to describe physical or emotional experiences. Physical traumas the world seems to handle better. It's interesting to me that if we can identify and see an impairment, we suddenly seem to be different with someone. If a person has struggles but no outward expression of it, we seem somewhat lost.
Just because someone uses a cane, walker, crutch, or wheelchair does not make them more or less disabled. It just means their lives are different from those who don't. For the many of us who struggle with chronic pain, brain dysfunctions, diabetes, immune challenges, colitis, Chron's disease, HIV, Hepatitis, or the ongoing list of invisible disabilities, we work to find a balance of asking for what we need and appearing as normal as possible. The journey for many of us is to grieve silently and hope somewhere, somehow we will find a place for expression and processing.
Spirituality is my foundation. It doesn't mean it should be for everyone. What I'm saying is that each of us needs to find something to use as our footing for going on and meeting another day. I have been blessed to not have lots of people telling me they understand how I feel and what I should be doing. I'm sure that is not everyone else's experience.
When my friend was writing she was talking about a very personal loss which is something that has forever changed her life. Her views and values in some ways are quite different from my own. We share certain core beliefs but her path through life has been different. One of the things I admire about her is her courage. I don't mean fancy, bold, public courage necessarily. I refer rather to her quiet, persevering, commitment to love. She is determined to live her life from a place of love rather than fear. That is not to say she is fearless because she is very human and able to feel it as much if not more than many. I do my best to face life from a place of love as well.
It's not that I couldn't make the choice to lose myself into despair. I've been to that place and choose sometimes several times a day not to return there. Choosing to fuss but not stay in anger. Choosing to see the light rather than the darkness of the days is what I decided I needed to do. Two of my favorite guides in my life have been Maya Angelou and Les Brown. Neither had an easy life and yet they chose to learn and grow through their traumas. As I have looked over their lives, I see they, like my friend, have chosen to live in love over fear. That is not to say we don't all have opinions and fire that burns deep within us. It is a choice to look up or down in life. It is a lie to believe that if you are a good person all will go easily for you. Reverend Michael Bernard Beckwith, another one of my favorite people, talks about choice and how important believing that we are not victims of circumstance is.
I honor my path even though some days I deeply tire from it. I honor others' paths. None of us know what lies before us and yet at a very profound level we all have a choice. Do we honor ourselves in this moment? Do we realize how we respond is up to us and no one else? May all of you have the opportunity to see the possibilities in your unique journey.
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